I Had a Threesome with 2 Guys & My Boyfriend's Pissed

Andrew Dalton
13

Just because your man doesn’t lose his cushy job, go off his rocker and publicly rant about tiger blood and fire-breathing fists doesn’t mean you don’t have your own worries that are worthy of our ears. Here at Ask Dad, problems are like penises. There’s no such thing as one that's too small. Or at least we smile and pretend that's the case, in order to spare your feelings. So whip ‘em out!

My boyfriend asked me if I'd ever had a threesome. When I said ‘yes,’ he got excited. But then he learned that it was me and two guys. Now he stomps around the house like he's learned I'm some secret slut. How do I convince him he’s wrong?

I can’t believe you answered honestly, but I don’t think you’re a slut, secret or otherwise. Besides, sluts are people too. They take drunken nights and turn them from mere mistakes into stories you can tell your grandchildren. And without them, we’d have no reality TV.

Plus, I admire your sheer athleticism for taking on two guys. I know even one set of male junk would be way too much for me. Tell me this -- but don’t tell your boyfriend, for god’s sake: You didn't do double anal, did you? (Link is QSFW. Quite safe for work.) Because I don’t think it’s real. I think they use digital effects. I sure hope so.

The brain trust here at Ask Dad usually recommends being sympathetic and gentle with the fragile male animal. But in this case I think you need to serve your boyfriend a steaming-hot cup of grow-the-f***-up.

Seriously. This retroactive jealousy business -- getting our panties (or boxers) in a bunch over things our partners did before they knew us and have now left behind -- is the stupidest thing on Earth, and we need to collectively bring it to an end. Both men and women do it, certainly, but I think the boys do it more -- or do it crazier anyway.

I get it if you’re a 17-year-old virgin and your new, non-virgin girlfriend once did it with some football creep but wants to “take it slow” with you because she "really cares about you." But if you’re an actual adult living in the grown-up world, you need to take the advice of dating expert Chris Rock, who even experts like me turn to for tips: “Don’t worry about what she did before," he says. "Just be glad you’re f***ing her now." Can I get an amen? He says no number will be small enough. Two is way too many. So don't even ask. 

But sometimes it doesn’t matter if they don’t ask. I actually know men who’ve gotten upset at the huge numbers of cool sex tricks their girlfriends know. “She must have learned them somewhere," they say. "Yes," I try to reply. "She learned them at Awesome University, which is an elite Ivy League school in upstate Heavenland. What, are you looking for a young virginal girl who will marvel at your manhood and think you invented oral? Why don’t you go make another movie, Roman Polanski."

Having ranted all that, I don’t think you need to be mean about it. Just do not apologize. Even if you regret it. If you do regret it, you can tell him that  of course, though I hope  you don't. But whatever your feelings were at the time, you weren’t wronging your future boyfriend, and you weren’t somehow soiling your body or soul. Don’t let any man’s dumb-brute possessiveness make you think any of that.

But if you’re convinced you’ve got a basically good guy who’s just a little rattled, here are a few things you can say to make it go down easier. They all fall under the category of forgivable lies. I absolve you in advance.

  • I was doing research for my senior thesis at Duke
  • They were terminally ill brothers and I was working for the Make-A-Wish Foundation!
  • Before I found you, no man was enough. So I needed two.

Try not to laugh when you say this last one. The boy’s clearly got a thin skin.

 

Image via Flickr/Mycael

Read More