man with valentines day heartValentine's Day 2011 is Monday -- Monday! Forget about ordering your love some Pajama Jeans (they take 8 weeks to arrive). And while a gift of flowers from the grocery store are sweet and all, they really just say I can't be bothered, so I bought these on the express check out line with a six-pack of wine coolers, strawberry flavored, your favorite!

This won't make your lover "DTF" -- unless you got two six-packs and drank them all.

Don't bother with a sappy card with a love poem and think you're as good as St. Valentine. Because, let's face it, you already screwed up. You know you did. Your lover is mad at you and since you can't afford a 2-seater convertible, you have to strike your lover where it counts -- in the heart. Cupid? Yep, he's holding an arrow for a reason.

Since you clearly need help, I've done all the work for you, and gathered up funny Valentines Day quotes so your lover will laugh with you, not at you. And hopefully it will all lead to sex.

If you have been arguing with your lover for the past week and perhaps even threw knives at him/her, scribble this:

When love is not madness, it is not love.  ~Pedro Calderon de la Barca 

If you are struggling to balance parenthood and romance, scribble this:

I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.  ~Author Unknown

If you have a wandering eye and flirt with everything with two legs, scribble this:

Anyone can catch your eye, but it takes someone special to catch your heart.  ~Author Unknown

If you just lost your job or blew the family savings at the casino, scribble this:

Who, being loved, is poor?  ~Oscar Wilde

If you noticed you have grey pubic hairs and your lover suggested some down-there dye, scribble this:

Grow old with me! The best is yet to be.  ~Robert Browning

If you just lost your house in the battle with your ex, scribble this for your new love:

A man is not where he lives, but where he loves.  ~Latin Proverb

If you haven't had sex in a really REALLY long time, scribble this:

Sometimes we make love with our eyes. Sometimes we make love with our hands. Sometimes we make love with our bodies. Always we make love with our hearts.  ~Author Unknown

If you are afraid of muttering the words I love you, scribble this:

The eskimos had fifty-two names for snow because it was important to them: there ought to be as many for love.  ~Margaret Atwood

For the same loser as above, you can also go this route:

The most important things are the hardest to say, because words diminish them.  ~Stephen King

If you insist on making your own really crappy Valentine's Day gifts that really look like your toddler crafted it, scribble this:

Love is a canvas furnished by Nature and embroidered by imagination.  ~Voltaire

If you are way too much of a jokester and your partner rarely finds you funny anymore, scribble this:

Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly.  ~Rose Franken

Special Note: Put the Valentine quote that best suits your situation written in your best handwriting into a blank card with an image on the front that took you more than five minutes to find. Score! Serve card with dinner or massage offering and you may get lucky. Or if you really, really must go the sappy route, behold these Valentines day poems. However, these might be better for those who choose their mate based on their favorite section of the Sunday New York Times. Barf.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Which Valentines quote best suits your situation?

 

Image via lululemon athletica/Flickr