Ah, Valentine's Day. For some it's a day of love and affection, for others a cruel reminder of their single status or another "Hallmark holiday." That's why most of us prefer to keep our Valentines subtle. Red roses at work? Romantic. Giant teddy bear the size of a small state? Not so much.
Admittedly, I am possibly the only person on the planet who will openly admit to loving the holiday so many others love to despise. It's cheesy, yes. For many, it's yet another reminder that they need a table for one in a world of two-seaters. Even so, there are things even I would rather not receive in public.
Like a singing telegram. From a man dressed as Cupid. In a diaper.
Here are some more embarrassing gifts we want you to give us in private:
- Giant stuffed animals: Save these for home (or not at all). Not to be all cruel and callous, but I can't count the number of stuffed animals I tossed after breakups throughout my life. The bear might be cute, but I'm not 10 and I probably don't want it gathering dust in my house, let alone humiliating me in public.
- A diamond: Proposing on Valentine's Day is a somewhat cruel (and cliched) thing to do. We feel like we have no choice but to say yes and then we're permanently linked to a holiday so many think is cheesy. We may as well wear a big sign that says, "I am a cheeseball." That is too much pressure, thank you.
- Bunch of balloons: This is cute, but it takes up a lot of cubicle space and isn't practical to take home on the subway. If you drive, it's even worse. How does one see out the back? How bad would you feel if your honey dies transporting balloons? Better to deliver these at home.
- Flowers with racy message: Getting a bouquet of red roses is sweet and nice to show off. Getting flowers with a card that reads: "I can't wait to shtup you tonight?" Not so much. Save your words for the bedroom or private text message.
- Anything sexual: Save the gift baskets of edible body paints for home. Seriously. Do you hear me? Yes, we love the honey dust you bought us with the delightful feather duster, but we would like it much better without our boss standing over our heads.
- Video messages: Your digital musical card is super sweet, but unless we have headphones, listening to it at work will likely disturb others. Keep it to words only unless you want us to cringe while some hack warbles "endless love" from our screen.
- Singing cupid: A singing telegram can be cute. But not one that involves any sexual songs. Or clowns (some people are phobic). Or nudity of any kind.
- Personal hygiene products: Bath gels, bath salts, etc. They are all for home. If you send them to me at work, I will appreciate it, but I have to cart it home and, really, no one wants to imagine their co-workers in the bath. Just stick to flowers, please.
Are there any gifts you don't want to get this year?
Image via briteside913/Flickr