Married and single ladies, come. Don't be shy. Come join me by this roaring fire and let's have a little chat. Put on your softest socks, cuddle up in that oversized chair with a cup of tea, and put on your brave face, for I am about to tell you a cautionary tale that starts in the Great White North.
It's not a happy tale, ladies, so let me get right to the point. There is a man in Canada who vacations with a life-sized doll while his wife sits at home -- in denial.
You're among friends here. You're safe. We'll review the facts and then we'll talk it out. If some of you need to throw up, that's why I've positioned those dark-green buckets next to your chairs. Just lean over and vomit. It's cool. No one will judge.
His name is Dave Hockey. He looks like your dad, and if you're Canadian, you might want to make sure he isn't. He wears glasses, has gray hair, and wears a baseball hat when he goes on fun little outings. He's a loving husband to his wife, Wendy, a retired doctor, and he's got an adventurous spirit.
Dave loves skydiving, motorcycles, and frozen cocktails. He's a blast to be around! Just don't ask Wendy about it. You'll have to ask Bianca.
Who's Bianca, you say.
Well ladies, Bianca is a 90-pound slut who's deaf and mute. She has absolutely no standards and will go anywhere, anytime, with any man who will take her. She is a real piece of work.
And by piece of work, I mean it. She's a plastic piece of work, to be exact. Bianca is a doll. She's a heavy, rubbery doll who's soft to the touch and smells like a new Barbie, right out of the box. She sits in a wheelchair, poised and ready for anything. And Dave takes her on romantic trips where they enjoy long rolls on the beach and going to the cinema.
Ah, I see we've got our first vomiters of the group.
And Dave's wife, Wendy? Oh, she doesn't really mind. Dave's just making a documentary about dolls, she says. Dave doesn't really love Bianca. Mmmhmm.
What we have learned today, ladies, is that there are all kinds of crazy out there. Be cautious of letting your husband take dolls on dates. I know, you're secure. But these dolls can be man-stealing bitches. Don't say no one ever warned you. Please empty your buckets on the way out, and leave your tea cups in the sink. Many thanks to you all.
Would you be more pissed if your husband cheated on you with a woman, or spent his free time wooing a doll?
Photo via Arkitekta/Flickr