The More Women Put Out, the Less We're Worth


depressed womanIf you're a single woman like me with a B.A. and a job, then you're in some trouble, missy. Did you hear? The cost of sex is down! And that is not good for us; not good at all. Let me explain.

Researchers Mark Regnerus and Jeremy Uecker, authors of  a study called "Premarital Sex in America: How Young Americans Meet, Mate and Think About Marrying," used information from four national surveys to conclude that it doesn't take long for a man to get laid in his relationship. As in, 35 percent have sex within the first two weeks, 48 percent within the first month.

If we're giving it up so easily, then the value has decreased. Conversely, sex would be at its highest price, or value, if women decided to withhold sex until married.

So what does it all mean for all the single ladies?

It means, according to the research, that we're less likely to find men who are equally educated and equally employed. It means the losers (guys who at least are 22 years-old and didn't graduate high school and don't have a job) are now in our applicant pool.

Women make up 57 percent of college student bodies -- we have to compete with one another to find a mate. We'll have sex with a guy sooner rather than later because otherwise, the numbers say he'll find someone who will.

The researchers, and who could leave out Patti Stanger, implore that women wait.

Women need to somehow reacquire control over the direction of relationships ... Part of that, I think, involves -- and this is what some women don't want to hear -- the artificial restriction of sex until later in the relationship. You might not feel like doing that but it's for a greater future goal. Men who have sex early in a relationship feel little impulse to make strong commitments ... It doesn't sound modern and it doesn't sound natural, but I don't care what it sounds like, I'm telling you how things work.

We need to get the value of sex back up. We won't get the power in relationships back until we collectively withhold the sex and stop underbidding one another. Frankly, it seems like we're fucked (figuratively, not literally) because I don't see how this is ever going to happen. Regnerus offers some advice:

This is where I get a little bit controversial and people don't like what I have to say. I don't think it's in women's interest to play the field for a long period of time. It can get depressing, not only about their relationships but to see the pool of men in their 30s who are available. My advice is if you find somebody who you love and who loves you, make it work, whatever it takes! To always think that something better is down the pathway, you might be mistaken.

Oh! Terrific! Just don't have casual sex and marry whomever seems decent enough. Good grief. This study has been as helpful to me as a kick in the vagina.

What do you think of the study?

Photo via lawmurray/Flickr

marriage, dating, love, sex


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PonyC... PonyChaser

I think it's telling us something that we already know... if you're easy, that's all you're going to get.  Guys who like easy women.  If you value yourself, and you value the relationship enough to wait until sex is something that MEANS something, not just 'scratching an itch' - which is what it seems is the thing to do these days - you're going to find a mate who is worthy of you.

It amazes me, just how casual people are about sex now.  I have a young friend - she's still in college - who asked me, right before Christmas, if I thought she should buy a Christmas Gift for the guy she'd been sleeping with.  I said, "you're sleeping with him, right?"  "Well, yeah, but I don't know if we know each other well enough to exchange gifts.  That's a pretty big deal."  WHAT???  Talk about giving it away!!  And she (and others with the same mindset) wonders why she can't find a guy who values her.

nonmember avatar Deena

I think this study misses the mark. The basic recommendation, that women should collectively stop having so much casual sex so men will settle down with us instead of playing the field, rests on the assumption that women's collective goal is to settle down with a man. The problem with this, in my opinion, is that women and men don't have one collective romantic/sexual goal. Some men want relationships, some only want casual sex, and some want both at different times. And the same goes for women. Even if one girl sleeping casually with a guy undermines another girl's effort to date that guy, why should we ignore the desires of the girl who wanted to sleep with the guy casually? And let's remember that some girls really DO want just casual sex--they're not always secretly hoping that the casual sex will turn into a relationship. And on the flip side, after seeing this study in more detail, my boyfriend was quite offended at its suggestion that ANY guy would rather sleep with a girl who is easy than a girl waits longer to have sex.

itchy... itchybrain

I am so over this kind of laughable, sexist "research".  These kinds of articles make me dislike this thestir... and yet here I am again, why?  THAT would be a good study.

ArmyGal ArmyGal

Deena thank you, I get to save my breath LOL!!

nonmember avatar Anon

I coulda told you that for free. Someday women are going to figure out that the "sexual revolution" was a huge step backward.

Knitt... KnittinMama

Minority here: 1: I agree sex needs to be valued more than it is. 2: It wont change. 3: We are fucked. The options arent so great anymore.

miche... micheledo

Well I am married and I didn't have sex until I was married, so I don't know if my opinion matters.  :D

If you know what you want and wait for it, you will eventually find it.  Yeah, I had really high standards!  But I was content to stay single for the rest of my life if I didn't find what I was looking for.  And surprise - met my hubby when we were both 26!  Married when I was 27.  He's perfect for me and we have a great marriage. 

No sex and I found a guy who had had no sex.  First time for both of us. 

So, I do think sex is being valued less, and I do think it is harder for women to find a great guy.  But if you know what you want, and know who you are - you'll eventually attract that guy!

Ashley Castillo

Thank you Deena!  My sentiments exactly!

I think the thing that the researchers don't understand is that women are just as likely to put off having a relationship as a man.  For me, right out of grad school with the possibility of having to move halfway across the country for a job, I don't want a relationship.  I KNOW I'm dating guys that have absolutely no potential as husband/long term relationship material---and I'm OK with that.

I suppose I could live in fear that I would never find someone, but I refuse to let the "maybe" dictate my life. Some things, like being able to feed myself, are more important.

nonmember avatar Bree

I am so glad that I waited to have sex until...oh wait, that's right. I had sex with my boyfriend before we even started dating. 5 years later, a wedding in the works, and a better man than most women will ever even meet I don't regret it one bit. Sex is a prerequisite. If you don't have chemistry between the sheets there is no point pursuing a relationship. Some of you are such sexist, naïve cows. Get over yourselves.

littl... littlelambe

Micheledo - same here!!!!

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