All those people who say that you should never go to bed angry? Well, it turns out, they may be wrong. So, sorry Grandma, it turns out you may have been giving out bad advice. A new study reports that I can go to bed angry at my partner and not have to feel bad about doing so.
Why? Because being quick to forgive your partner's transgression may actually reinforce their poor behavior.
In the study, 135 newly married couples kept week-long relationship diaries. Findings showed that the individuals that reported being upset at something their spouse had done, and forgave them, had partners that were almost twice as likely to misbehave again the next day.
I'll admit, studies like this give me pause. So many other factors come in to play in a relationship like the level of trust and intimacy. But one thing I took away from this study? Other than holding a grudge in order to help keep your partner in line, couples should work on solving the problem that led to the transgression in the first place.
Some examples:
- Your husband is repeatedly late to dinner. Together, figure out why this is occurring. Is it that he thinks his time is more important than yours? Or is it hard for him to get of work early enough to make it home on time?
- Your partner frequently throws his clothes on the floor next to the bed instead of in the laundry hamper. Is he under the impression that you’re his maid? Or is the hamper just too far for him to walk to?
- That dirty glass next to the sofa? The one he used last night yet didn't put in the dishwasher much less in the sink? He either thinks that it looks pretty as an empty vase or that if he leaves it for long enough, the germs will carry it over for him. Let him know the truth.
No more “To err is human; to forgive is divine.” Hold a grudge. Go to bed mad. But make sure to take care of your relationship issues. Then live happily ever after.
Do you ever go to bed angry with your partner?
Image via arhadetruit/Flickr
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Comments 9
Yep. We both go to bed mad. It gives us both a chance to think about what happened thoroughly. The next day we are able to come to a compromise easier, and don't fight about it.
Done it for years. If you wake up and are still mad or hurt or feel the conflict is unresolved--work it out. If not, forget about it and move on. 9 times out of 10, it's forgotten and it's just another day.
Yeah, I think it's better to sleep on the problem than argue while angry. Most of the time we both wake up feeling much better and if there's a real issue we can work it out over coffee. I think a lot of the time the anger is caused by tiredness in the first place and not a real transgression.
I think it depends on the problem, all of those situations you mentioned were not significant enough for me to loose any sleep over. If I spent days holding grudges for the socks that didn't quite make it to the hamper, I think I'd have alot of uneeded stress in my life and I'm pretty sure my marriage would suffer. Not to mention I'm not perfect either, if my husband got mad over silly little things like that and held grudges for days while I"m holding grudges for days about stupid things I'm pretty sure we would have ended up divorced by now. If it were a major problem that actually needed days to think about talk about and work through that would be a different story
If you're going to bed mad, that means your husband is too emasculated to take charge of the relationship. Total fail.
i have to disagree with this because. i think it varies on the way the marriage works. if i go to bed angry, i end up suffering from insomnia and my thoughts because of the stress it causes while my husband sleeps. then when i finally go to bed, he is leaving for work which is a driving job and he could easily get into an accident and become injured or worse. after which, my last memory would be being angry with him for something that probably was inconsequential to begin with.
yes, we ahve done that. once in a while it has to happen and the day after we try to resolve the problem or just forget about it, but we never forgive before going to bed.