Great Guy, Bad Sex: What's a Girl To Do?


The guy I'm dating is great in every possible way -- EXCEPT for the sex! What do I do?


Horny But Happy Sort Of

Dear Horny But Happy Sort Of:

The answer to this question depends on who is doing the asking. How old are you? How old is he? Are you at a point in your life where sex isn’t nearly as important as the fact that he is the only man in your group of friends whose family still lets him keep his car keys?

How much practice has he had? Is he five years past his first wet dream or has he had plenty of time and women and should not need a chart of the female anatomy to find her port of entry?

I know all too well how hard it is to find a great guy, but for me, I’m still at a stage in my life that he could be the funniest, sweetest guy in the world and yet every time I looked at him, all I’d be able to think was, “I may never orgasm again,” whereupon, my laughter would quickly turn to tears and ultimately one giant sobfest.

I don’t know, maybe it’s also because to me, sex is like dessert. You see, I love a good meal, just like anybody else but to me it’s never complete without something sweet at the end, you know, like a chocolate chip cookie, a piece of fudge cake, a rich, creamy penis....oh wait, that's not a real dessert is it?

I’ll admit that some nights, a good episode of “The Closer” would come in a close second, but honestly nothing really compares to screaming your head off for a reason that has nothing to do with the fact that your child just pressed the panic button on your alarm system and now the cops are on their way over to your place, ready to hand you your $175 ticket for completely wasting their time.

Never mind that the chance of my running into a great guy are so very slim that the idea of having to endure bad sex is just too much to even consider. Don't forget, I live in Los Angeles. A city renowned for having one of the shallowest dating pools in the nation. A city where you'd be hard pressed to find a man with a dead mother, who is not writing a screenplay, isn’t even entertaining the idea and who doesn’t attempt to comfort you by informing you that even if his writing career never takes off he can always take on more work as a movie extra. 

You get my drift?

And yet, I still hesitate to say run as fast as you can because the thing is, you could just buy a vibrator and when he’s not looking go and have that great sex you know you’ll never have, knowing that when you are done, he’ll be there to do all the other things he does so well and if you think about it, perhaps that ain't such a bad thing.

Bottom line. Life is a series of trade-offs. If this is one you think you can handle, well then, by all means, go for it.

Are you a single mom with a question about dating/sex/love? Or do you just want to try to trip Jessica up? Leave her a question in comments or you can write to her directly at

dating mom, dating, romance tip, sex, sex toys, sex ed, turn-offs, turn-ons


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kisse... kisses5050

 sex is of little importance...intimacy is everything.. if you  don't know the deference you deserve a "great guy in every way"


nonmember avatar Suebob

I'm trying to remember what sex was like so I can enter a cogent comment.

nonmember avatar usedtobeme

After a summer of fun flings, I began a relationship with a great guy who had this problem. He was terrible in bed and after the first time we had sex, this problem began effecting the rest of the relationship (from my perspective). Soon, I couldn't even bear to let him kiss me because it reminded me of the bad sex we were having. But, I had the same dilemma: it had taken me so much time to find a guy who wouldn't call me at 5 in the morning, that I could count on to be there, that liked me for who I was.

But in the end I determined that when it comes to loving someone, he should be the whole package. I ended the relationship with faith that I would find that guy who's great at it all, because I deserve it. And not two weeks later, I met my current boyfriend of 1 year.

Have faith that he's out there!

nonmember avatar Alyssa

I agree that sex is a HUGE part in any relationship. However, if you really like this guy, with a little work/practice things can get better. My husband of 6 years was a horrible kisser, but with a little help he is awesome. Give it some time, let him know what you like, guide him....

mom2p... mom2priceboys

Don't go the other way and find a guy who's great in bed but the rest is bleak

nonmember avatar phungus

Practice makes perfect.

Shouldn't your man be able to tell you're not enjoying the sex very much?

I agree with Alyssa. Give it time and let him know what you like. Some guys are clueless, but they want to be able to please their partners. As much as we would like men to just know what to do, they're not mind readers and need a little help.


The question is...can he be trained? Maybe he just needs a little guidance by you. If his "badness" can be corrected, than it's worth it. otherwise, dump his ass.

nonmember avatar S

I think this was horrible advice. Just set aside a night together where you talk about what you like and don't like. Explore together. Make it fun. Show him what feels good and what doesn't. Guide his hands wherever you want them to go, ask him to do the same. Try to put on a tone that sounds like you're learning WITH him, not criticizing him, catch my drift? If he gets upset and insecure, just assure him that this is something you're working on together, and that being in a relationship involves learning more about the other person and learning more about yourself. Pose it as something he's benefiting from as much as you are. And seriously, don't call in the vibrator unless it gets really desperate.

nonmember avatar Mo

Well, bully for you, S, if you can have that kind of conversation with any guy in your life. Not everyone can do that, or feels they can. And frankly, I'm personally not all that interested in holding an esteem-building session in the bedroom.

Life IS a series of trade-offs; only you can decide what are the dealbreakers in yours.

nonmember avatar deb

The thing is not only do YOU deserve the whole package, HE deserves someone who thinks he is the whole package.

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