I'm never borrowing another cell phone again. Never. And if you're the jerk who is always forgetting her BlackBerry and borrowing one to call your kids on girls' night out, you might want to glue that thing to your hip. Because now that the first ever sex toy for the cell phone is out on shelves, you won't want to think about where your girlfriend's mobile has been as you nestle it against your cheek.
A company has finally cashed in on the "all sexting, all the time" news feeds (thanks Brett Favre!) in order to bring us mobile orgasms for the big trek over the river and through the woods to grandmother's house. They're even offering free holiday shipping. Take a look:
Yup, it looks like a sex toy. In fact, the Mobile Ryder ($69), along with its wink, wink, nudge, nudge name and ad copy lifted directly from a Sacha Baron Cohen movie (you make sexy time!) is officially the most obtrusive phone case ever (currently available for iPhone 4, but more models coming soon). As cell phones get slimmer and squatter, there's nothing like a giant dildo hanging off the back to scream "I masturbate" to the fellow commuters. And stowing the rocket in your pocket with your cell sounds like a good way to get a case of raging bacterial vaginitis.
And, frankly, that's the least of the dizzying physics questions this sex toy brings to mind. How exactly do you sext and jill off at the same time? Unless you're accustomed to texting without looking at the keys (perhaps while driving you naughty, naughty girl?), you're going to be typing up a bunch of gobbledygook, and risking sending them to your Dad or your Granny. Remember, you can't see the other side when it's between your legs.
And if you're video chatting -- Mobile Ryder is supposed to be great for FaceTime on the iPhone -- you either have to have two phones to get a look at your long distance love on one side of the phone while getting down with your plastic man friend on the other or there will be a lot of unsatisfying in ... and out.
But hey, all of that is your problem. The rest of us want to know just how leakproof is that case? Because I have to call the sitter ...