Why Men Move On So Fast After Breakups

9

Struggling to make it through December? Love trouble ruining your Christmas and promising a sad-and-lonely New Year's Eve? Let Ask Dad sing some sweet carols and "Auld Lang Syne" to your frozen heart. Tell me your troubles.  

Why do men move on so fast after a breakup? I had a recent breakup from a seven-year relationship, and my ex was in a new one just two months later and was married within two years while I was still mourning. Why didn't he take time to get to know himself as a single man?

First, know that this is not a universal male thing. Many of us need months, even years of playing sad drunken songs on dark bar jukeboxes, wandering a dirty apartment with a bare, chicken-wing stained chest, and many, many viewings of many, many sci-fi trilogies before we dream of another real relationship. (That's what you meant by getting to know yourself as a single man, right?)

And there are plenty of ladies who have barely put the period at the end of "it's not you it's me" before they're getting freaky on the dance floor with some wax-chested hunk of manmeat.

But I think your situation is the norm. And I think I know why. It's mostly a mommy thing.

As I said in my thinking-about-sex post a few weeks back, many men think of women as medicine. When they're ailing, be it physical, mental, emotional, or nautical, the thing that sounds best is a nice conversation with a nice new lady. Ideally at 2 a.m. in a motel room. 

After my last big breakup a much older, much-more-manly man told me, "Distractions are a good thing. And the best distractions wear skirts." After months of wondering where I could find Buffalo wings and video games with skirts on, I realized he was talking about women.

That's most likely just what your man was doing: seeking distractions with skirts, or mom jeans, or jeggings, depending on his taste in ladies. So I wouldn't look at his quick rebound as a sign that he got over it quicker than you. The new lady is his way of dealing with it. It could even be that the hurt ran so deep that he had to immediately cover it with a cute Hello Kitty Band-Aid and vow to never rip the little lady off. And his relatively quick marriage either means he's so afraid of his own mind that he doesn't want to look into it even briefly, or he's simply found the perfect woman-medicine, and he's addicted. Sometimes it's the person, not the circumstances.    

The flip side of this is that for a lot of ladies like yourself, the very thought of romance sounds awful when you're feeling down, and you want to wait until you've had a complete emotional makeover before you even started poking around at Match.com. This is the more sensible, responsible path of course, but maybe you should take a little from men, it might be liberating. Seek out some distractions with shirts. Or without them.


Image via Flickr/Jesslee Cuizon

breakups, divorce, marriage, sex

9 Comments

To add a comment, please log in with

Use Your CafeMom Profile

Join CafeMom or Log in to your CafeMom account. CafeMom members can keep track of their comments.

Join CafeMom or Log in to your CafeMom account. CafeMom members can keep track of their comments.

Comment As a Guest

Guest comments are moderated and will not appear immediately.

Jessica Bern

I love your writing. This one is perfectly written. As a divorcee who took SIX YEARS to get into a relationship again compared with the one year or less it took my ex, I get it. 

mrsjk... mrsjksimmons

I think that some women mope more on the old instead of going out and living with the rest of the world. We (as in women) need to not feel sorry for ouselves if we end up breaking up. We need to get out there and have fun and leave men out of it. They always say that the one will find you but you have to stop looking first. Best advice ever. I had sworn off men for a while and then I met my DH. We have been together for 5 years and married for 4. It really does work.

nonmember avatar over him

Same thing happened to me. HE broke up with me and within 6 months he and the new girls wedding announcement was in the newspaper. I'm trusting God on this one. I believe he did me a favor!

nonmember avatar mamacoke

When the reason they most likely left you has to do with the fact that they were using you to begin with, then I say the reason they move on so fast again, is to repeat that process over, as fast as possible, for their OWN lacking in integrity and maturity. Some men, are just misogynistic. They use. They have never taken the time to develop any self-reflection upon their own bad behaviour, and will perpetuate it with any woman who is unfortunate enough to come across them, containing the right mix of emotional vulnerability, and need for companionship. There are some men that no amount of excuses will do--they are just thoughtless, self-serving, narcissistic a-holes who really DO NOT care about women, because the love affair they seek is with THEMSELVES. You--are simply a speedbump. These are some of the hardest relationships to recover from, because there is no adult dialogue about "why", or self improvement. You just get hit by the bus, and then spend the rest of the recovery period trying to gain your own understanding. My sincerest apologies to any other woman that has gone through this.

nonmember avatar nasuha



I was completely in pain. I couldn't move at all. I got upset with him and I started becoming really negative in life.

I attracted even more negative things. My mom came to town and she wasn't supportive at all of our relationship.

I made an effort to get a spell caster, after my friend introduce me to this great Dr Raman that help her in such situation even worst than my own situation, I have

faith that he could bring my boyfriend back to me, I also started doing all the things he ask me to do during the spell casting, I become more positive.

Doing The spell practices and this help me become so much more positive about

my boyfriend and I visualized everyday

that I was back in his house.

When I got back to work in September he proposed to me just how I imagined it as well, it is amazing, how your life can change in two week it felt like forever but it only happened with a span of one week which is permanent till today

What I want to say is, just believe in this Dr and have faith every thing will work for you, and if you need this Dr in any type of spell you want him to cast for you email him on ramansolutiontemple@gmail.com he is a great Dr, thank you Dr Raman.

nonmember avatar Resa

i am syill coping with the loss of my ex bf. its hard but i know i deserve better and will meet a good man one day.

nonmember avatar Meegan

i agree with mamacoke. my ex used me for 4 years we lived together, he had mommy issues and blamed all his previous exes, so what did he do to me cheated and lied had a backup girl who knew i was living with him and she feels special enough to change him. he is a true narcissist using this new girl its been less than a year and they claim to be madly in love wanting to get married. its infatuation. they will end because he doesnt like to deal with his emotions.

nonmember avatar Meegan

i agree with mamacoke. my ex used me for 4 years we lived together, he had mommy issues and blamed all his previous exes, so what did he do to me cheated and lied had a backup girl who knew i was living with him and she feels special enough to change him. he is a true narcissist using this new girl its been less than a year and they claim to be madly in love wanting to get married. its infatuation. they will end because he doesnt like to deal with his emotions.

nonmember avatar Tanusree

Still I feel alot of pain in my heart for my ex. He left me after 5 years and never love me. Now he is with new gal. He likes to change gal after fulfilling his needs.He cheated with me very badly but still I love him and m alone and waiting for him if anyday he realize my love and comes back to me beaing a real honest man.How he could cheat with me I dont get ans.

1-9 of 9 comments
F