I Divorced My Husband But Not His Penis

39

candy bars in bedDear Dating Mom:

Can I start dating while still sleeping with my ex-husband?

We can't stand each other but we love sleeping together. Of course now that the divorce is final, I really want to get back out on the dating scene and start meeting new men. Do I need to permanently boot my booty call before meeting new guys or can I keep my little sugar on the side?

Signed,

Screwed Him More Than My Lawyer

Dear Screwed Him More Than My Lawyer:

Things I could imagine myself doing before I would ever sleep with my ex husband:

1.    Give myself a root canal

2.    Move back in with my parents.

3.    Pick up my dog’s poop using nothing but my bare hands.

Which leads me to wonder, how good is your ex in the sack that you would actually want to continue having relations with him even though you say you can’t stand each other or, better yet, what the hell kind of technique are you using on this guy and do you give classes?

You see, for me, when I have sex with someone, I’m not just sleeping with their body, I’m also sleeping with their mind, and in the case of my marriage, their mother and a raging case of narcissism, neither of which was particularly sexy to me.

That being said, I know you like having your sugar, and if your version of that was a 3 Musketeer bar or a Kit Kat, I’d say “keep on, keeping on.” But he’s not, so I’m not. 

As far as dating, to me it's a lot like a job search. It's always easier to find a job when you already have a job, but the key word here is “having” a job, “not “giving” one, if you get my gist, so you might want to keep that in mind when you get back out there, which I warn you, is a minefield filled with men:

1.    Who think they want a long-term relationship and they do ... with your vagina

2.    Whose idea of a great first date is to ask you what you want to do and every time you say anything they respond with a “really?” so dripping with sarcasm you can hear their eyes rolling through the phone.

Also, you didn’t state what your long term goals are. Remarriage and kids? A monogamous relationship? Or someone who is not only as talented in the sex department as your ex seems to be but needs to special order his condoms from Bob’s Big, Tall, and Very Long shop.

Whichever it is, I would probably venture to guess that most guys wouldn’t be interested in knowing that you do anything more with your ex than share a past, so when and if you go on a first date, try to avoid saying things like, "So there I was licking my ex's penis ... " or "My ex did that once and it was amazing!"

Also, I have to wonder if perhaps you and your husband are really ready to separate at all. Have you told him you wanted to start dating? If so, what was his reaction? Did he nod and ask you to please pass the parmesan cheese or did he look a bit miffed or maybe a bit hurt by the idea?

Seems to me that, at the end of the day, no sex can be good enough to keep two people in the same room, never mind the same bed, if they truly cannot stand each other. Perhaps the divorce is final but is the relationship? Really?



Are you a single mom with a question about dating/sex/love? Or do you just want to try to trip Jessica up? Leave her a question in comments or you can write to her directly at bernzee@mac.com.

divorce, dating mom, dating, breakups, love, lying, marriage, sex, sex ed, sex secret, single moms

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nagyo... nagyordog

Sure maybe you should engage in a threesome while you look for the best match. This way you are guaranteed a good time. It's got to smell better than dog feces on the palm of your hand, even though the short sensation of warmth may be comforting for a fleeting moment.

ocmom... ocmommy2two

I would rather die.

nonmember avatar mrs.notouching

"Who think they want a long-term relationship and they do ... with your vagina" hahahaha!
And hell to the NO! Sleeping with your ex is a clear indication that somebody needs to see a shrink... and I mean it in the most loving and supportive way.

nonmember avatar TheStilettoMom

As always, great advice! I don't have an ex but having watched my friends go through divorces, I can't imagine them sleeping with their ex after the divorce was final...to much nastiness. This guy must be REALLY talented! I'd have to agree, it's a bad idea...get on with your new life stat.

nonmember avatar Fadra

Please tell me this was a made up question. Please? Just lie to me. I can't stand knowing that women are this stupid. Unless of course it results in you being this funny.

Ann Imig

I wish Jessica would just tell it like it is for once. Coward. ;)

OSNSMom OSNSMom

When I'm done with them, I'm done. I'm with Jessica on this one.  If I'm still sleeping with you, that means I like you. How can you hate him but love screwing him? I say, find someone who you like in life AND in bed!

Karla Telega

After I remarried, my ex still expected me to come back to him. He was a really great lover, and a really lousy husband. You couldn't pay me enough to get back in that bed.

Anna Lefler

I'm with the very wise commentor above who said, "When I'm done - I'm done."  SO done.


Ew.


But great post - as always, Jessica!

Karen Strakosch Duggan

Dog poop with bare hands and DIY root canal?  You must really NOT like his penis.  Or perhaps not what is connected to it.  But - I echo the when "I am done, I am done," sentiment!  Keep the great advice coming, sista!

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