Does My Husband Want Us to Be Swingers?

8

While snow seems to be dumping on most of the country, it is nothing but hot out here in Los Angeles. So let the Angeleno Ask Dad warm your cold, cold hearts. What's giving you chills? 

My husband casually mentioned some people he knows at work who are swingers. He brought it up matter-of-factly, but I detected a note of serious interest! Could my husband actually be suggesting we become swingers!? What do I make of this!?

How fun! I've been wondering when that phenomenon would come back. Martinis, Big Bad Voodoo Daddy, Vince Vaughn, and Jon Favreau when they were younger and skinnier, "you're so money!" I love it! So what are you worried about? Afraid your husband will embarrass you on the dance floor?

Oh, wait. You mean the mustaches, jacuzzis, and key parties kind of swinger. Crap. That's a bit more complicated.

Have you considered that your husband is just being a shameless gossip? Yeah, it's not in the sex stereotypes we have, but most dudes adore them some gossip. I've been in poker games that had more "Oh my God, have you heard?" chatter than sewing circles. It just has to be extra extra juicy, like, say, "Some people at my work are swingers."

But if you think you've got the proper read on your man and he really is intrigued by this possibility, even my worldly self is a little scared for you. Not because of the moral or social implications. I think you should absolutely do whatever floats your boat, even if it flips the thing or floods it with disgusting fluids.

From what I know about swinger culture -- and I assure you it's all very secondhand -- the people involved are very, very, how to put this nicely ... nerdy.

It's not like Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman in Eyes Wide Shut. Think, instead, Will Ferrell and Rachel Dratch in a hot tub. But less cool.

See, it's an intense subculture, and like any subculture -- goths, comic book fans -- it just tends to attract a certain geekiness. This is great if you're looking for details on the origins of The Hulk. Not so much if you're looking for a proper lay. 

If you've ever been a fan of the HBO series Real Sex, which ought to be called All-Too-Real Sex, you maybe have a sense of what I'm talking about. The people -- and God bless 'em for their comfort with their bodies and ours -- are just not that sexy. And they're not Cruise and Kidman in the looks department either.

But if your husband remains intrigued and you're not, try using these excuses.

  • It could destroy your future in politics: Just ask Jack Ryan, whose lurid requests to actress wife Jeri Ryan, according to their divorce records, led him to drop out of the 2004 race for Senator from Illinois. The seat instead was won by an obscure local politician named Barack Obama
  • You could run into someone you know: You think a grocery store bump-in with a co-worker is awkward? Try the moment when you and your cubicle mate reach for the same whip at the sex club.
  • You could love it too much: What if you are just super into it, and suddenly it comes to dominate your life, and it's swing this and swing that, and screw her and screw him, and you're left with nothing to talk about with the family at Christmas? Plus, I'm not quite sure what supplies and costs are involved, but I'll bet it could get expensive, what with the silk robes and lotions and turtlenecks and mustache waxes and Trans-Ams. In this economy, it's best to be thrifty. 

 

Image via Flickr/Brennaval

erotica, marriage, sex, sexuality, turn-offs

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Addys... Addys_Mom

Lol your article is funny but slightly offensive. My hubby and i have dabbled in the swinging world (taking a break for a while to have a kid) and while i will readily admit there are some strange people out there, there are also some perfectly normal fun ones too and they can be your best friends if you want, or your best lovers :) so its unfair to lump us all together in the creepy nerd category. Just saying :)

nonmember avatar Jean_N_Tina

Ok, funny article... But Nerds? I will admit there are some 'less than average' looking folks in the 'Lifestyle', and those people tend to hangout with the other 'less than average' people. However, there are many more 'better than average' looking people involved. After all the Lifestyle is a hedonistic venture based on Looks and Sex Appeal... seems like it would be self defeating to venture out into that with a beer belly and those extra 20-50 pounds you're carrying from last years Thanksgiving dinner.

Maybe having a look into the Lifestyle and talking/meeting with the people involved before making a huge generalization is in order....Just saying

nonmember avatar Danno

Good for a laugh, but why not advise your reader to just ask her husband directly about his feelings and desires? Your spouse is supposed to be your best friend and the first one you should go to with questions like that. Swingers are a perfect slice of society; there are nerds, jocks, ugly people, beautiful people, thin people, fat people, jerks and saints. Swinging is also about trust and having fun. It is an amplifier of emotions - intensifying the good and the bad. A strong relationship has nothing to fear from it, but a weak one should steer clear.

nonmember avatar CrazyGurl

You need to get out more. The lifestyle has a whole mix of types. Nerds, Bikers, Models, Tall, Short..Some places actually require you to submit photos before becoming members to make sure you are decent enough looking for their scene. Some are completely laid back and quite relaxing just to go hang out.

Perhaps if you actually went out to a club and experienced it for yourself, then you could give advice for this subject! :)

pamnj... pamnjeromy

Run in the other direction because from what I gathered this writer is not interested in this "lifestyle." 

nonmember avatar A couple

This article displays an appalling lack of understanding of both the "Lifestyle" and responsible advice giving. It is insipid and insulting to the hundreds of thousands of "normal" caring couples that are otherwise very good friends and other peoples families. Most "Lifestyle" couples do not stand out and are part of everyday life like you and I. Grow up and quit generalizing about things you have no idea about.

nonmember avatar Kevin

Yeah it may sound great but I bet her husband won't be so happy about the whole idea after he sees a bunch of other guys doing his wife. Some things are better left in the fantasy world.

nonmember avatar CT

I'm with most of the people posting above-- there's a lot of misconceptions about the swinging scene, and you've hit a good number of them. To put it bluntly, it's about fun and fantasy, so people tend to sort themselves by looks/bedroom skills.
@Kevin: The husband might be into watching his wife bang other dudes... just sayin'. Though it is good to have a conversation with your partner about jealousy issues, safe sex, etc. before playing around.

LW: just ask your man, then take it from there.

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