Does anyone ever listen to the lyrics of Christmas carols? Our favorite radio stations have been pumping out the holiday tunes since about 12:01 the morning after Halloween, but they've pretty much been background noise. So when I started listening to those tunes they're crooning the other day, I started overthinking realized just how naughty these kiddie favorites can be.
The classics are pretty much a how-to for ruining your relationships. That is unless you are into date rape and spousal killings? No? Yeah, me neither. Let's just say if your caroler is into any of the following, he may not be marriage material:
Baby It's Cold Outside.
The Story: Girl wants to leave her date. Guy says, oh, no, it's too cold out there, you can't go. Girl says, really, dude, I told my Mom I'd be home. Guy threatens to move in closer, they go back and forth, and she finally caves to the pressure.
Why It's Creepy: Can you say date rape? Girl says, "No, no, no sir," and he says, "Mind if I move in closer?" Buddy, no means NO!
Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer
The Story: Grandma gets liquored up on eggnog, wanders out into a snowstorm, and dies when she's run over by Santa's sleigh. The kid singing says his parents don't believe in Santa, but he and Grandpa will from here on out.
Why It's Creepy: Ol' Gramps knew Granny was in her cups, and he still let her go out? And suddenly he believes in Santa after this whole thing? Something smells fishy here. I'm thinking Gramps got Grandma just drunk enough that she never saw the hitman coming.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
The Story: Kid sneaks downstairs to see what all the noise is about on Christmas Eve only to find Mommy making out with a strange dude with a big white beard. Daddy's nowhere to be seen, but Mommy's in there tickling him and everything.
Why It's Creepy: Sure, Santa is supposed to be Dad (wink, wink, nudge, nudge). But let's look at this realistically. How many parents do you know who actually throw on the red suit to put the presents under the tree? Especially if they think their kids are asleep? This one sounds like a clear case of Mom getting a little nookie on the side!
12 Days of Christmas
The Story: A guy spends 12 days starting with Christmas and leading up to the Epiphany in January gifting a girl a whole bunch of gifts, from gold rings (yay!) to ladies dancing.
Why It's Creepy: He treats human beings like commodities (ladies dancing, maids a milking, pipers piping, lords a leaping, etc.), and he's the type of guy who thinks with his wallet rather than his heart. This year, the gifts add up to $23,439 according to PNC Bank Christmas Price Index. Usually guys like this are overcompensating for something. Perhaps a big wallet but a small ...?
The Story: A girl -- preferably with a breathy voice worthy of any phone sex line in the country -- claims she's been good this year, so Santa should bring her a host of expensive gifts.
Why It's Creepy: Her proof that she's been "good" is in how few guys she's kissed this year. And if he gives her goodies from Tiffany's and a convertible, she'll keep it to a minimum again next year. Sounds an awful lot like being paid for sexual favors to us -- even if it is her chastity on the line.
Have any Christmas carols made you stop and wonder what the lyricist was thinking?
Image via New Amsterdam Market/Flickr