Breaking News: Your Boyfriend Knows You Poop!

Brittny Drye

girl in showerAs women, we are supposed to be perfect creatures. We do not burp, fart, or (gasp!) poo. We do pee, but it's kind of cute because we have to go so often (oh, our small little bladders).

At least that's what we think guys believe until we meet the man we will one day marry. After that, watch out. It eventually just becomes a battle of who can gross out who more.

We go to great, sometimes ridiculous, lengths to hide our bodily functions from a boyfriend -- even if it means damage to our digestive tract (deal with the cramps to hold in the crap, am I right?). I'm talking full-fledge tactics here (Omg that bathroom line was sooo long!). I now get the urge to go nearly every time I hear water running because I've used the unnecessary shower method so many times.

Someone's boyfriend (who will probably be sleeping on the couch if she discovers he posted this) wrote the tactics that his girlfriend uses to avoid him seeing her go to the bathroom. While reading, I found myself constantly nodding my head and saying to myself, I do that. I do that. I do that. He nails them all -- the public bathroom tactic, the shoving-him-out-the-door-for-an-errand trick, etc. Ladies, the men are on to us.

But why do we put ourselves (and our body) through this torture? It's perfectly natural! Because we're "ladies" and not supposed to?

Even TV tells us that we shouldn't. I'm still haunted by that episode of Sex and the City where Carrie farted in front of Big. She raced embarrassingly out of the apartment and they didn't have sex for several nights, and of course, she blamed it on the passed gas. It was one of the few episodes that I really hated because it took something ridiculous that women feared might be possible, and turned it into a reality saying, No, do not fart in front of your boyfriend. You will never have sex again.

No one wants to feel embarrassed, and sure gas isn't exactly something you want to just let loose anywhere, but geezus, we should be able to feel comfortable going to the bathroom in our own home. Is it because you can't possibly put the blame of the wafting smell on anyone else when it's just the two of you? (Um, it was the dog?)

Hey ladies, allow me to let you in on a little secret. THEY. DON'T. CARE.

In fact, they find it humorous. They're men, they laugh at fart jokes up until they're laying on their deathbed. And if a guy does care, then he seriously has something up his ass and it ain't poop. 

I'm not saying you should dutch-oven your first date, but causing yourself to go into full constipation mode during a weekend getaway is outrageous. Just laugh it off. Make a joke of it -- "I wouldn't go into the bathroom if I were you!" Once you've broken the bodily function barrier, it shows that you're truly comfortable with the person and your relationship will escalate to a new comfort level (albeit a smelly one). It'll literally be a fart that's strong enough to break down a wall.

Are you comfortable with having bodily functions around your guy? How long in your relationship did you wait to break the poop/gas ice?


Image via loosepunctuation/Flickr

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