Save Your Nasty PDA for the Bedroom

Sasha Brown-Worsham

There is not much grosser than seeing a 70-year-old man groping his similarly aged wife on a bridge in Florence, Italy. Tongues down throats, hands down shirt. The image is seared into my mind even 12 years after I saw it while I was living in Italy.

Public Displays of Affection (PDA) are banned in many high schools so severely that even hugging your boyfriend can earn a suspension. It makes sense, of course. Nobody wants to see teenagers doing things at school that they would not be allowed at home, but high fiving? Holding hands? Are these really that bad?

I must admit, PDA generally grosses me out. Even when it's done by hot people. I just don't need to see tongues down throat and grabbed booty. Save it for the bedroom.

If I need to grab my husband's (delicious) rear, I usually try to sneak a peek around and make sure no one is looking before I get a fistful. It's just common courtesy. OK, so we have been known to sit on laps and smooch and hold hands, but it's generally very demure and we do stop short of actual bedroom activity in public.

That is just creepy.

Of course, there is the age-old question: is it OK if you're young and hot but not if you're old and not?

The answer is no. It isn't OK in either case. If the urge to grab your loved one overtakes you, there are other ways to get your sexual fix while you are in public. For example:

If you want to hold hands ...

... Try high fiving: This is a way to get the close contact you crave without annoying bitter single people and even some married people (like me) who think you're posing. You are soooooo in love that you have to hold hands? Spare me.

If you want to make out ...

... Try hugging: There is almost no one's tongue I want to see in the mouth of another person's. Even in porn that I'm watching willingly, I would prefer just to see the action. Because tongues are kind of gross, people. Save it for the bedroom and hug one another instead. If you even have to ask whether you're hot enough to engage in public displays, then you're definitely not.

If you want to dry hump ...

... Try therapy: Unless you are 15, horny, and 20 minutes from curfew, there is no excuse for grinding private parts in public. Hear me, Parisian citizens? No excuse! If you feel the need to be that sexual in public, you might want to see a doctor and get some meds. Because really, dude. You have issues.

If you want to have sex ...

... Find a bathroom: A friend once told me she was in a park in Spain when a man and woman started having sex. Actual sex. Like with penetration. Twenty minutes into the act, a pickpocket came along, stole the man's wallet, and grinned at all the people watching. No one stopped him. Want to know why? Because what they were doing was grosser than the pickpocket. Seriously, people. We have laws for a reason. If you must drop trou, find a bathroom stall. Dirty bathroom sex is better than traumatizing youngsters.

Follow these simple rules and you might never gross anyone out again.

What do you think is too much PDA?

Image via Facebook

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