Your Man Cheating? It's Probably Your Fault


Most people think divorce is caused by cheating, but the truth is usually far blurrier than that.

Cheating, stepping out on your marriage, is almost always a symptom of something wrong with the relationship itself. Though often cited as the reason for divorce, it usually isn't. A recent poll revealed that 77 percent of men who were divorced after infidelity said they had no regrets and 81 percent preferred their new sex lives.


It isn't rocket science. For many who are married, sex dies. It's a cliche for a reason. Between children and laundry and dirty dishes and cluttered bedrooms, sex takes a back seat. And in many cases, we ladies are to blame. 

This isn't to say there are not cads who are selfish animals who will cheat no matter what (Tiger Woods, I'm looking at you), but those guys are not always so hard to spot. You just have to know what to look for. If he seems too smooth or if he cheated on his spouse to be with you, you should have your caution up.

Of course even a nice man can stray and, in those cases, the fault isn't just with him alone. And ladies, this doesn't just apply to you! You could also be the one doing the cheating if your man does any of the following:

  • Lets himself go: We aren't all going to look 25 forever. No one is expecting that. But guys, if you're sporting love handles, a spare tire, and man boobs where you used to have a six-pack and pecs, you may want to hit the gym again, especially if your wife is still working it. Same goes for us ladies. You may not look exactly like the day you were married, but 50 pounds, an XL sweatshirt, short hair, and sweat pants are not good for the old libido. At least try to look nice for your spouse.
  • Takes you for granted: We are guilty of this. How many times do we forget to thank our husbands for the little things because we feel misunderstood? He does the same thing. He doesn't tell us how much it means when we do his laundry or forgets to kiss us when he leaves in the morning. He doesn't ask how our day is or listen to our stories. We do the same. Then the guy at the park who actually laughs at our jokes starts to look pretty attractive.
  • Nags: At a certain point, pillow talk becomes nagging. You can catch yourself asking him to do the dishes more than kiss you. He asks you to pick up his dry cleaning more than he grabs your bum. At a certain point all marriages go there, but the trick is not to stay there.
  • Gives up sex: There is no magic number for all marriages. I know in my marriage, if our number dips below twice a week and neither of us is deathly ill, we need a date night and some alone time. But some people need once a month, some less. Only you know your marriage. Whatever that magic quota is, hit it or talk about why you aren't.

It's the homewrecking formula -- find out what is missing and be that. If you work to make sure there is little to nothing missing and you discuss whatever is missing, you can practically cheat proof your marriage.

None of these things is the path of destruction by itself, but all of them put together can cause a person to stray and look elsewhere. Everyone talks about how cheating is the cardinal sin, but I say that sin is actually forgetting to communicate.

Do you think cheating is a symptom?


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lying, marriage, divorce


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bills... billsfan1104

I once knew a guy who was married for fourteen years. In that fourteen years, he had to have surgery and now has to wear a bag for the rest of his life. That was almost ten years ago. His wife thought it was gross. stop having sex with him, or when they did have sex, she did it as quick as possible. He starting talking to another woman, and he fell in love with her and even was so comfortable around her that he didnt care about showing her his bag etc. But eventually it had to come to an end and he had to choose and he chose his family. The only good thing that came out of the affair, is that his wife realized, that she couldnt ignore him, make him feel like a loser, and she became a better wife and he became a better husband. This happened to my best friend. I guess things can eventualy change.

FourK... FourKidsSoFar

I don't think it's fair to blame someone else for a person cheating. The person that makes that choice is solely responsible for his or her decision, not the distant spouse for "making them cheat".

Shera... Sheraymonet

It also wouldn't hurt the husband to help out the wife with dishes or laundry once in a while. Its like porn to women to have their SO's help around the house. Maybe if they did that more often, women would have more energy for sex.

Jenny... JennyG0929

So.. if you have short hair you've let yourself go? Interesting perspective.



Jessica Birch

...You should've quit after your last ridiculous "article" (which stunk more of cheap tabloid journalism than anything else) about Rihanna. 

This mentality IS the problem with modern marriages and the reason divorce rates are so high! 

You don't marry someone's six pack abs, or their libido, you marry their kind heart, their loyalty, their ability to make you smile, their zeal to support and STAND BY YOU THROUGH THICK AND THIN. Sure, sex lives hit ruts throughout a marriage, as do finances, communication when you're both busy... etc... but to use any of those very minor (which they are) things as an excuse to jump ship on a commitment like MARRIAGE is just sad if you ask me. 

DebaLa DebaLa

Are we in a time machine here? Just speechless.

Agree with commenters 2-5.

hotic... hoticedcoffee

Wow.  This must be the week for really pathetic posts....perhaps The Stir is running the equivalent of an Ugly Sweater contest, and the worst blog wins.

MomIWant MomIWant

WOW!  All this time, I thought that it was the cheater's fault when they cheated...thanks "eye roll" for clearing that up!

nonmember avatar dez

i confess, i came back to check on comments on the rhianna article and stumbled upon this lovely piece. Jessica sums up my feelings perfectly, so i won't bore anyone with a rant. why is this woman even writing for this site?

my personal favourite part was the comment that short hair means you've let yourself go and don't look nice for your spouse. truly awful.

glamlady glamlady

shoutingThis a very good article. You pointed out alot of truths. Letting Yourself Go: All you said was true. So many people get married, & say "I've got him or her. I don't have to worry about the way I look any more." Women are especially bad about this. Sorry Ladies. It's true. This ties into the Taking Each Other For Granted: You both get busy w/life. Children, working, home. Every day life. This ties into Nagging: I work all day. Come home. Still have to fix dinner, clean up the house, get the kids ready for bed. He or She, won't help me w/any thing. This ties into Giving Up Sex: If  I don't get any help around here. For get it. I won't give any sex. With all these things tied together. If couples would just communicate. Things hopefully would not get out of hand. BOTH parties should  not let things simmer until they explode. Every night when you go to bed. Talk about your day w/ea. other. I know your tired. Take just 5 min. Then, a kiss, hug, I Love You. It works. I know. We did not get to the cheating. But, we were slowly growing apart. That was 20yrs. ago. We BOTH changed. We still disagree. We just don't let things simmer.

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