I Found My Husband With Gay Porn!

Andrew Dalton

As we look to the week ahead, let us remember to also give thanks (though not during grace, please) for love and sex and sex and love, without which the kids' table would be empty. Now let Ask Dad candy your yams.  

I found a gay magazine in my husband’s underwear drawer. Um, how do I even begin to tackle this? Is this a sign my husband might be gay -- or is he just curious in a car wreck kind of way and looking for different outlets of stimulation?

I think you've got a serious -- maybe insurmountable -- problem on your hands. A magazine? In almost 2011? Does he also tiptoe down to the penny peep show and take a gander? (Don't let the minister catch you! Unless he's inside too! Wink!) Is his stag film projector broken? Is the tracking screwed up on the VHS player? Someone needs some iPhone smut for Christmas.

Oh wait, you must be worried about the gay thing. Well, there are a million possible reasons for that. Here are the most likely seven:

1. For the articles: I think the gay mags have those. Let me make some calls to my friends in The 415 and get back to you .... Well, there are articles, but they're are all about gay sex. Which is, I suppose, interesting to read about regardless, right? 

2. He wandered into a porn shop looking for the straight stuff, realized it was gay, and didn't want to seem homophobic by running out: This has happened to me so many times I can't tell you. I've got the huge collection of leather cock rings to prove it. Anyone need one? You can use them as collars for preemie puppies!

3. Perhaps he likes his sex hard and freaky, but doesn't like the exploitation of women that goes with straight porn: Pretty much everyone is hairless in porn now, and the steroid-thick pecs on the men can be awfully boob-like. Same thrills, less guilt. 

4. Maybe he's secretly a lesbian! I've heard of this phenomenon, gay women consuming gay male porn. Apparently they address it in The Kids Are Alright. For part of the reason, see #3 above. And speaking of gayness and The Kids Are Alright, if I had to go homo for one guy -- to save a life or get back at an ex -- it would be Mark Ruffalo. As Alec Sulkin tweeted, he "looks like someone spilled a bucket of handsome face."

5. Maybe it's a present for you! You enjoy erect penises don't you? Maybe he got you a whole subscription. Nice work, Mrs. Snoopy Pants. You've ruined Christmas. 

6. He enjoys gay-style sex, but perhaps not gayness itself: He could just be entranced by the immensely creative set of acts that the gentleman on the other side of the aisle have brought to sexual congress. Besides, he could be somewhere in the middle of the sex spectrum -- hardly anyone is a 1 or a 10 on the scale of gayness. Threes and sevens abound. If it's this, the answer's easy -- 80 percent of that stuff can be done heterosexually, 95 percent if you mix in a strap-on. You should try having something hanging between your legs. It's empowering. It would be nice if we could all take ours off from time to time, though. I wouldn't mind unstrapping now and again.

7. There is of course a chance he could be a closeted gay man, and you his beard: Beards are stylish! Enjoy it! Be glad you're not a hipster mustache. But this will require a close rethinking of your years together, and of what other signs he has shown. And no, enjoying vacuuming and Streisand don't count. A lot of us like those things. 

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