'Wax It or No Sex' Ultimatum: Is He Worth the Pain?

Jessica Bern

waxingDear Dating Mom:

I've been dating this guy and the other night we finally took our clothes off. To make a long humiliating story short, he ended up admitting to me that I was too hairy (and I'm not talking about my face) and that it was a big turn-off to him. I'm okay with it, why can't he be?


Hairy Is Not Scary

Dear Sasquatch ... I mean Hairy:

If you're making money as a '70s porn star, I could see why you'd want to hang on to every last strand. However, being that it's 2010, I'm going to guess that you were either not even alive in the '70s or, if you were, your occupation was more likely that of a professional crapper, whiner, and breast-feeder.

Now, as much as I would love to tell you that you are right, listen to me when I say, "You wanna be right or you wanna get laid?" It's entirely up to you.

So, the guy is having trouble seeing the forest through the trees (wait, I'm sorry, make that the trees through the forest) -- at least he was honest with you. Studies show that men who are brave enough to tell a woman she's got a hairy ass (I know he didn't actually say that about your ass but trust me, he was thinking it and, no, I'm not going to tell you how I know that) are much less likely to have an affair ... or was that less likely to be lactose intolerant?

Okay, moving on.

The thing is, he could have lifted his head up and starting yelling, "My eyes! My eyes!" and then run out your house picking the hairs off his corneas, never to return again. But he didn't, so I put that in the "win" column. 

Never mind that the solution to his/your problem would be of little or no cost to you, although I'm sorry I can't say as much for the pain you will endure were you to decide to take down all that "timber." That being said, "timber" won't be the word you'll use once Olga gets her waxy "axe" on you. I'm guessing it'll be more along the lines of, "AAAHHHH! F***CK! AAHHHHH!" Yeah, that's it.

Also, remember, there is the "fun" part where you can pick your own design. The two most popular are the "landing strip" and the "Bermuda Triangle." I'm not a fan of the former only because if my guy needs one of those, what's to stop him from hiring those guys with the orange light up cones to help him park "it" directly inside the gate? I mean, hello? Two is company, three and a couple of light-up cones are a crowd in my book. Then there's the Bermuda Triangle, which I wouldn't have a problem with, but rumor has it several penises that have dared to enter there were never seen again, and frankly, if I've gone through all that pain, I want the repeat business. 

But that is just me. You need to figure out what is more important to you -- having a nice fluffy bush that will keep you warm on a cold snowy night or a guy who will do that for you. Although one should consider, will he still be around come spring time?

Are you a single mom with a question about dating/sex/love? Or do you just want to try to trip Jessica up? Leave her a question in comments or you can write to her directly at bernzee@mac.com.


Image via Jessica Bern

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