Ask Dad: My Husband Stares at My Friends' Breasts!


We've stopped saving daylight, and said bring on the night. That means darkness and cold, but more time for warm love. How can Ask Dad help make it go right?

I noticed my husband staring at my friend's breasts. When I confronted him about it, he said I was nuts. But he totally was! How do I get him to stop? I don’t think he knows he is doing it but it makes me feel slimy ... I can’t imagine what my friend is thinking!

Bless you for thinking that maybe he doesn't know he's doing it. It may seem like wishful thinking, and it's certainly the best thing to assume to keep him from getting defensive, but it may also be true.

Male looking-without-realizing is a serious ailment that can have serious effects on your marriage and friendships. It's something I and a lot of other men desperately fear we may be doing, like some sleazy cousin to sleep-eating. Sadly there are no meds for it yet.

I can't speak directly to the breast-gawking. My own fascination kind of peaked about the same time my interest in Scritti Politti peaked, and I moved on to other favorite parts (the mind, mostly, of course). But my Ask Dad predecessor laid it out beautifully in a well-researched, scientifically rigorous column.

But I'm no stranger to the situation. It happens often when I'm walking down the street behind a woman, especially if we're both alone. I notice they often pull their shirt down to make sure it's covering their butt properly. I immediately break into the following internal dialogue: 

"Damn, she thought I was staring at her ass. Wait, was I? No! God, I hope not anyway. But I immediately noticed that she did the shirt thing. Was that just because the motion caught my attention? Or were my eyes unconsciously already there? Oh, God. Now she thinks I'm a creep, at the very least. Well, that's easy to solve, I'll just walk in a non-creepy way, maybe start whistling ... Wait, there's nothing more creepy than someone trying not to look creepy. Especially if there's whistling involved. Aw screw it I'll just go another way."

If he really was looking on purpose, it doesn't necessarily mean he was looking to get a cheap thrill, or mentally downloading an image for later use. Most gawking is just verifying. ("Checking out" is a fitting term.) A man thinks he sees a hot lady or a lovely pair of breasts, but he has to make sure, he can't just assume. It's vital data collection, but not for any particular purpose. We just send the data to the front office where they keep a running worldwide count of hotness.

This is all by way of explaining, not excusing, your husband. No matter his intention or awareness, it's a very sleazy thing to do and he needs to stop. How about you two work out a signal, where you can point out that his eyes are going astray without making a scene? A few suggestions.

  • Tug on your ear like a big-league manager.
  • Come up with a unique (non-creepy) whistle.
  • Start humming a particular song. Perhaps, the Black-Eyed Peas "My Humps"?
  • Subtly drive your knee into his groin.
  • Very quietly move out of your apartment.

If none of that works, you may need to try something more serious.


Image via Flickr/BernardoBorghetti

ask dad, marriage, sex


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nonmember avatar Mike

So... you purchase hundreds of dollars worth of push up bras and low cut shirts and don't want us to look. Good luck with that!!!

nonmember avatar D

Mike, girls who do that do want you to look at them, even if they "claim" they don't, which usually means they don't want people thinking they're a sleaze, so they pretend they don't like it and pretend they don't notice their breasts are hanging out for the world to see (I know this because I have a best friend who is like that). This woman was stating that SHE did not like him looking at ANOTHER woman's breasts, so I don't get your comment.

lovin... lovinangels

LOL... the last two are really funny.

lovin... lovinangels

So... you purchase hundreds of dollars worth of push up bras and low cut shirts and don't want us to look. Good luck with that!!!

Nonmember comment from Mike,

Nov 8, 2010 at 2:50 PM


Hmm. I think we've found ourselves a tacky, obvious, starer.

Diann Perio

 I want my boobs to look great to, but not for my friend's husbands! Thats gross. 

RanaA... RanaAurora

I agree with the guy, then! If your husband is staring at your friend's boobs, maybe just tell him, "I know she's hot, but she feels uncomfortable when you look..." or maybe tell your friend, "If you're gonna flaunt them, guys will look"?

It's really NOT a big deal. People are silly. Being married doesn't make someone blind.

nonmember avatar Bobertbobert

already written and submitted.

klgomez klgomez

I agree with the article writer, it is extremely sleazy.  Just because society tells us it's no big deal for a man to check out other women doesn't mean it's really OK.  Like the saying goes, "Be careful little eyes what you see" and "The journey from your mind to your hands is closer than you're thinking."  There is a cheating epidemic in the country and I believe it stems from the belief that it's OK to look at other women, it's OK to look at porn, as long as you're not physically cheating.  This behavior desensitizes you and what's stopping the man from taking the next step?  Seeing women disrespected in porn and in society by being turned into sex objects certainly does not build up respect for his wife.  Don't buy into this lie that it's OK, ladies, you deserve a man who respects females and respects his wife enough to turn the other way when there is temptation.  

nonmember avatar Tom

The best response ever! My wife, a teacher, introduced me to a woman, also a teacher, with a striking figure. I ask the woman where she taught and she pointed to the school name across the front of her sweatshirt. Without looking away from my eyes I said "I'm sorry, I have been trained never to look below a woman's chin"...... My wife has been forever pleased.

Karen... KarenRN429

The only time I intentionally wear clothes that flatter my breasts are when I'm going out on date night with my husband and the chosen outfit is for his benefit. However, I am smart enough to realize that if they look good to him, they're gonna look good to other men. But I don't mind catching a guy taking a peek. It's only if I catch someone in a fit of prolonged, lascivious staring that I would have a problem.

And I know my husband takes a passing glance at other women with nice bodies. But in no way do I think this is cheating. In fact, I have been known to notice -- and point out to him -- a nice looking woman. Not because either of us are dirty, lecherous perverts; because she's nice to look at. And my husband is extremely respectful of me. Looking at a beautiful woman can be similar to looking at a piece of art. It doesn't have to mean he's "turning to temptation." FCOL.

I mean, come on, ladies... Isn't there anyone else out there who takes it as kind of a compliment when you catch a man taking a peek? It's nice to know/feel attractive, isn't it? Nice to know -- post-baby body and all -- that men (even ones other than your loving husband) are still interested? I almost feel a sense of pride if I catch a guy taking a gander. You know, a little: "That's right. I'm hot. I know you want me, but you can't have me." And guess what. Most guys think that confidence is attractive and sexy. And there's nothing wrong with that!

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