It's no secret that moms are tired.
We spend all of our day tending to other people's needs whether we work outside the home, work in the home, or stay home with the children. By nightfall, we're usually doing more of the same.
Someone needs a binky, someone needs some milk, someone has a boo-boo and needs a kiss and a Band-Aid. On and on and on and on it goes. Somedays by the time we crawl into bed, exhausted and weary of touch, our husband's advances can seem like a personal affront -- "You want WHAT you insane man?"
It doesn't have to be that way, says Dr. Laurie Mintz, PhD, author of A Tired Woman's Guide to Passionate Sex: Reclaim Your Desire and Reignite Your Relationship.
In it, Mintz says it's possible to get in the mood, but you have to be in the right mindset.
Yes, really. Here are her 20 Things a Tired Mom Can Do to Have More Passionate Sex:
- Remember that sex is for you and your enjoyment, rather than thinking about it as one more chore on your to-do list or one more thing someone wants from you. Think of it as your time!
- Think about sex when you aren't having it. Try taking a one-minute sex break every hour where you think about sex, perhaps engaging in a quick sexual fantasy or recalling an exciting previous sexual encounter.
- Turn off your busy brain when you're having sex by quickly stopping any invasive thoughts about your to-do list and, instead, immersing fully in the physical sensations.
- Try to find a way to get some time for yourself, and use this time to exercise. Research shows that exercise increases sex drive and satisfaction. Yoga may be especially effective, according to some research.
- Make sure you and your partner are touching each other affectionately on a daily basis.
- Get your juices flowing by engaging in quick, teasing touch at times and in places where sex wouldn't be appropriate or possible.
- Turn up the heat by engaging in provocative talk at times when sex would be impossible. Send sexy emails or text messages during the day, for example.
- Read an erotic book, either alone or with your partner.
- Watch an erotic movie, either alone or with your partner.
- Use a lubricant during a sexual encounter and experiment with a variety of types, textures, and smells.
- Buy a toy, such as a vibrator, and use it both alone and with your partner.
- Masturbate. The more sex you have (including with yourself), the more sex you want.
- When you're having a sexual encounter, start standing up and slowly disrobing one another.
- Realize that for many women, sexual desire follows sexual touching. Don't wait to be "horny" to have a sexual encounter. Instead, "just do it" and enjoy it. Remember that if it's fun, it isn't duty sex!
- Give up on the myth of spontaneous sex and, instead, plan for sexual encounters ("trysts") with your partner.
- Plan trysts for times other than right before bed. As just two examples, try setting the alarm 90 minutes after you have fallen asleep, or get frisky as soon as your child goes down for a nap or to play at a friend's house on the weekend.
- Hire a baby-sitter and instead of going to dinner or a movie, take a picnic, music, and candles to a hotel room.
- Understand your body, especially the central role of the clitoris in excitement and orgasm. Know that the vast majority of women (70 percent) don't orgasm with intercourse alone. Give this up as a goal and, instead, enjoy the fact that your clitoris has more nerve endings than anywhere in your body!
- Realize that in general, women are slow-cookers -- we need time to become aroused, with this time increasing with exhaustion and stress. Take the time you need without rushing or being goal-oriented.
- Most important, remember that communication is the bed-rock to make your bed rock. Communicate your general and sexual needs clearly and directly to your partner.
Will you try these tips?
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