Did your and your partner's sexy Halloween get-ups get your love potion brewing, but unresolved bedroom issues left it tasting nasty? Ask Dad is here to help you find the right recipe. Bring on the questions.
My husband wants me to watch porn with him during sex, and frankly, the idea horrifies me. I want to be a good sport, but I've never seen anything beyond Playboy stuff. Any suggestions on how to go about this without getting scarred?
Oh, the places you'll go! Oh, the things you'll behold!
You've never taken in real porn before? Not at some inappropriate party you didn't want to go to, or looking through some old boyfriend's Internet history? Here are some of the valuable lessons you've never learned about female sexuality. Treasure them forever:
- Sex feels far better with six-inch heels on. But they must be left on throughout, even when you're otherwise naked.
- You should never settle for three men when four are available.
- Auto mechanics, under their coveralls, are always clean and well-hung with ripped abs, and will always exchange any amount of car service for sex (but you'll enjoy it more!!).
- Semen looks and feels amazing on your skin, and tastes even better. It's like champagne, caviar, chocolate, fancy makeup, and Tiger Balm all combined.
- Catholic schoolgirl outfits are not conservative but super-sexy! Oh wait, it's not porn that teaches this. It's our entire culture.
My guess is that, despite how bad some of this sounds, you're going to be more confused than disgusted. There are some strange positions and extreme close-ups where you may have to ask your husband, "What the hell is going on? Which parts are the man and which are the woman, and which input is that?" It's a sad statement on our culture, but boys are exposed to so much porn and quasi-porn, and girls are brought up so ashamed of their bodies, that men can end up knowing more about female anatomy than women do. I guarantee you they've seen a whole lot more vaginas, and the ones they see rarely even have any hair to block their view. Not that they've learned what to do with them.
You really should be honored. Your husband is inviting you to a very special, private, sacred place. But it's also a dark place that I'm surprised he wants to take you. You need to be prepared.
First, there's choosing what to watch. You think you fight over whether to watch Sportscenter or The Daily Show on TV? This could be a battle royal. The stuff you're apt to pick, "couple's porn," is no more for men than "family movies" are for parents. They should just call it "squeamish woman porn." But then I'm guessing you'll have no desire to watch Weapons of Ass Destruction, especially since it probably ends with a cliffhanger and you'll have to watch the whole trilogy.
You guys could also just watch Internet clips, probably better for brevity and discretion, but the problem is that even if you stay in some of the safer sections, you're bound to see stuff in the ads and suggestions that you can never unsee.
This all means you need to do some serious research on your own before the big night. Maybe find what you're comfortable with and give your husband a set of options to choose from. You could start at Fleshbot, which is not really a porn site, but a group blog that used to be part of the Gawker family and shares the same style. You can get a sense of what you might like, and it does link to actual clips.
I'm not sure whether this is good or bad news, but the chubby, mustached men and the boom-chicka-wow-wow music haven't existed for decades. And most of the plots and acting are gone.
You'll need to set some strict ground rules. Like it gets turned off with no whining allowed the moment either of you says so. And, no, you won't wear six-inch heels throughout unless he will.
I usually encourage consenting monogamous adults to get as crazy as they like, and it sounds like you've already signed on for this, but can I get you to reconsider? I believe porn should exist for the sake of free expression and the consolation of the sad and sexless, but viewed together I think it's going to create expectations neither of you can meet, and maybe get both of you thinking about somebody else. The best sex is all about being in the moment, and putting porn in the mix makes it all about a different moment that you're not having.
You could always film yourselves and use that instead. Sex tapes never have any negative consequences.
Image via Flickr/thebittenword