Ask Dad: My Husband Wants Us to Watch Porn -- YIKES!


Did your and your partner's sexy Halloween get-ups get your love potion brewing, but unresolved bedroom issues left it tasting nasty? Ask Dad is here to help you find the right recipe. Bring on the questions.

My husband wants me to watch porn with him during sex, and frankly, the idea horrifies me. I want to be a good sport, but I've never seen anything beyond Playboy stuff. Any suggestions on how to go about this without getting scarred?

Oh, the places you'll go! Oh, the things you'll behold!

You've never taken in real porn before? Not at some inappropriate party you didn't want to go to, or looking through some old boyfriend's Internet history? Here are some of the valuable lessons you've never learned about female sexuality. Treasure them forever:

  • Sex feels far better with six-inch heels on. But they must be left on throughout, even when you're otherwise naked.
  • You should never settle for three men when four are available.
  • Auto mechanics, under their coveralls, are always clean and well-hung with ripped abs, and will always exchange any amount of car service for sex (but you'll enjoy it more!!).
  • Semen looks and feels amazing on your skin, and tastes even better. It's like champagne, caviar, chocolate, fancy makeup, and Tiger Balm all combined.
  • Catholic schoolgirl outfits are not conservative but super-sexy! Oh wait, it's not porn that teaches this. It's our entire culture.

My guess is that, despite how bad some of this sounds, you're going to be more confused than disgusted. There are some strange positions and extreme close-ups where you may have to ask your husband, "What the hell is going on? Which parts are the man and which are the woman, and which input is that?" It's a sad statement on our culture, but boys are exposed to so much porn and quasi-porn, and girls are brought up so ashamed of their bodies, that men can end up knowing more about female anatomy than women do. I guarantee you they've seen a whole lot more vaginas, and the ones they see rarely even have any hair to block their view. Not that they've learned what to do with them.

You really should be honored. Your husband is inviting you to a very special, private, sacred place. But it's also a dark place that I'm surprised he wants to take you. You need to be prepared.

First, there's choosing what to watch. You think you fight over whether to watch Sportscenter or The Daily Show on TV? This could be a battle royal. The stuff you're apt to pick, "couple's porn," is no more for men than "family movies" are for parents. They should just call it "squeamish woman porn." But then I'm guessing you'll have no desire to watch Weapons of Ass Destruction, especially since it probably ends with a cliffhanger and you'll have to watch the whole trilogy. 

You guys could also just watch Internet clips, probably better for brevity and discretion, but the problem is that even if you stay in some of the safer sections, you're bound to see stuff in the ads and suggestions that you can never unsee.

This all means you need to do some serious research on your own before the big night. Maybe find what you're comfortable with and give your husband a set of options to choose from. You could start at Fleshbot, which is not really a porn site, but a group blog that used to be part of the Gawker family and shares the same style. You can get a sense of what you might like, and it does link to actual clips.

I'm not sure whether this is good or bad news, but the chubby, mustached men and the boom-chicka-wow-wow music haven't existed for decades. And most of the plots and acting are gone.

You'll need to set some strict ground rules. Like it gets turned off with no whining allowed the moment either of you says so. And, no, you won't wear six-inch heels throughout unless he will.

I usually encourage consenting monogamous adults to get as crazy as they like, and it sounds like you've already signed on for this, but can I get you to reconsider? I believe porn should exist for the sake of free expression and the consolation of the sad and sexless, but viewed together I think it's going to create expectations neither of you can meet, and maybe get both of you thinking about somebody else. The best sex is all about being in the moment, and putting porn in the mix makes it all about a different moment that you're not having.

You could always film yourselves and use that instead. Sex tapes never have any negative consequences.

Image via Flickr/thebittenword

ask dad, erotica, marriage, sex, sexuality


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nonmember avatar Santa Barbara

Sounds like a very interesting idea, that could have a lot more negative consequences down the road.

nonmember avatar Jerry

(My understanding about women is that there are some who enjoy watching porn with their husband/partner and some who absolutely despise porn. To those who despise it I would like to encourage you to ask yourself why you despise it. [I personally do not like about 99% of porn {as it commonly involves men seeking pleasure from women rather than the mutual sharing of love and affection with each other} so I'm not encouraging you to change your position, I just want you think about the reason(s) for the feelings you hold as such feelings can be related to insecurities that a woman feels about herself {e.g., if a woman is comparing herself to the women in the porn and thinking that men are that focused on how the women in look - something that I doubt is as important to men as women fear it is; what's likely to be more important to men is just the plain fact that they are watching people have sex - that in itself is arousing}. I can't speak for other guys, but I personally feel that all women are beautiful while clothed or nude regardless of what of what they look like, how much they weigh, and how old they are - so no woman can even come close to being as beautiful as the woman who loves me and whom I love. {I'd describe myself as a nudist, though, so nudity is something I'm accustomed to rather than deprived of - which is something to consider as people who are deprived of something will often go to great lengths to get it, lowering their standards in the process.}])

nonmember avatar Jerry

(My personal opinion about porn is that it is perhaps to a man what a good romance novel or movie is to a woman - the main point being that both men and woman enjoy content which turns them on. What turns men and women on just happens to be different much of the time, though. Porn, romance novels, and romantic movies are fantasy, and as long as this is fully understood by both people [though it can be difficult for women to see porn as fantasy when it includes real-ish people. {I say "real-ish" as makeup, implants, surgery, shaving/waxing are all things that aren't a part of how human beings develop naturally. I think that what the typical man gets out of porn - and what he focuses his attention on - is that HE becomes sexually aroused by watching it (men aren't big on emotional attachments) - to him porn is likely to be similar to Viagra: once it's over it's unlikely that he'll put much if any though into the subject. As difficult as it may be for women to understand this about why it is that men find porn to be alluring, it's quite unlikely that he will care one bit about the people he viewed in porn as he's only or mostly just thinking about himself while viewing it.}] it should be possible for a couple to have a healthy relationship where porn can be used to increase the level of intimacy shared between a couple. Now if a guy prefers viewing porn to being intimate with his wife then perhaps there are underlying issues in the relationship that need to be addressed.)

nonmember avatar Jerry

(While most porn is directed by men with men being the targeted audience [and as such I don't like it as men are often selfish and uncompassionate towards women - especially when it comes to sex], there are a few sites with artistic nudity/erotica that give women the power to create their own content that they find to be tasteful and beautiful [the sites I know of are run mostly by women], and that is the kind of content that I'd recommend over everything else I've seen. If it's ok for me to plug such sites here, one is called IFeelMyself [it may not come up in search results if search filtering is enabled] and their focus is mostly on the pleasure that women experience from achieving an orgasm. They don't have ads on their site, and they only link two other sites which have content that is similar in nature to theirs [and which are also ad-free], with one site being focused on photography [of solo women, with the occasional real-life loving couple - not actors and actresses - which makes a huge difference to me] and the other site being focused on videos of people [men and women, individually] who videotape their face [and only their face] prior to and during orgasm.)

TLParker TLParker

A woman who's never watched porn?! Porn can teach you some might good things, ladies.... just saying! lol

nonmember avatar Jerry

[This was meant to be before my other posts but it didn't make it through. It doesn't matter much, though.] My personal advice in response to this question would be to start off slow - e.g., ask your husband whatever questions you have about his interest in porn so that hopefully you can gain a better understanding of his interest in porn. (If he loves you than it's very, very unlikely that he'll want to replace you with porn or even any woman he sees in porn.) Also, you can ask him to watch some porn while the TV is out of your view (and perhaps also muted) and have him describe what's going on so you can gain a better understanding of what he focuses his attention on - and if you don't like what he's describing then you should tell him that it doesn't interest you (your opinion is every bit as important as his opinion is, don't think it isn't) - from there you two can perhaps scratch the idea of watching porn while having sex, watch it before sex to get in the mood, or perhaps search for the kind of porn that you'd both enjoy watching. If you two do decide to have sex while watching porn be sure to tell him if you find it to be too much of a distraction. (I personally think that I would find watching porn while having sex to be more of a distraction than a help [though I don't have any issues with sexual arousal], but that's just my guess.)

nonmember avatar Monzie

"...the chubby, mustached men and the boom-chicka-wow-wow music haven't existed for decades."

Unfortunately, they have been replaced by choking, gagging, spitting, slapping and all manner of other degrading behavior. Gimme Ron Jeremy's hairy back over Rocco Siffredi dragging some woman around the room on a leash and then making her lick his feet any day of the week.

I guess *my* advice to the porn neophyte is to tread carefully. A lot of what appears to be ordinary, harmless porn is far more shocking than many people might expect. In this brave new world, where internet porn has desensitized so many of us to ordinary, non-violent, guy-girl sex, the stakes have been raised and now it seems like every scene involves at least some activity that would have been considered "extreme" back in those mustaschioed 70's...anal, multiple partners, bondage, humiliation, you name it. It all shows up in even the tamest looking porn. And it could be a real eye opener to someone who has only ever experienced Playboy-style softcore.

ohbladi ohbladi

Seriously? I'm not a huge porn fan but my man and I have watched it during foreplay and I don't think it was any crazier or scarier than using a vibrator. (If women thrive on touch and men thrive on visuals, I think this is a good comparison.) I was more worried about it being a "must have" for our sex life from there on out...but we've only done this porn foreplay 3-4 times in the past year and every time it was entertaining for BOTH of us.

And seriously, I never ever had to ask my man what was what or have female anatomy explained for me. Dad, maybe stick to giving advice about the man's viewpoint. I can assure you most women, even ones who have not watched porn, won't be very confused, except perhaps confused about why exactly Dear Hubby hasn't noticed the same close-up has looped several times. And that's just giggle-worthy.

Calim... Calimamato2boys

@jerry I love the way you think and thanks for the site, im very interested in checking it out. I watch porn. I watch porn with my husband. We dont watch it during sex cuz its distracting, theyll change positions and we wanna see so we start watching that and not each other.. Then we get back to us.. Which is fun, but we both prefer to be focused on each other. Its more pleasurable thay way for us. Porns given us lots of ideas and has inspired ideas of our own. Also, I love that my husband -like jerry- has a strong distaste for porn that is degrading to women.

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