If you want to make a man sputter, conventional wisdom says it takes eight words. "Honey, do I look fat in this dress?" Guys, get over yourselves.
We're not the fragile, sex-withholding demons that articles like "Top 10 Subtle Ways to Tell Her She's Getting Fat," which the guys at Australia's Ask Men came up with, say we are.
You can tell us we're packing on the pounds. Just don't take their advice.
In fact, with suggestions like "sign her up for a yoga class" and "buy her clothes that are too small," the 5-year-olds guys at Ask Men successfully wrote a how to "never get yourself laid again" guide.
Point of fact: if you grab our love handles because you hope we'll "recoil and feel embarrassment" (actual advice on that list), you're in perfect position to get an elbow in the gonads. And you'll deserve it.
We're not stupid. As one friend said, "I think any woman who's even within hailing distance of fat already knows it. It's not like a husband notices something we don't. We buy our own clothes, after all!"
We don't want you to lie to us. We don't want you to play games with us. And if your problem is that we were sexy to you 20 pounds ago, but you're ready to go play the field now, you don't need to break it to us slowly. You need to leave. Now.
If you're not a total jerk, read on. It could save your relationship.
1. "Honey, I'm starting a workout program. Want to join me?" -- This makes weight loss something we can do together. And reminds us that we're not alone -- you could use a little less jiggle in the chest area too.
2. "I'm worried about you. Can we talk?" -- Weight gain can be hormonal. It can be stress-related. It can be a sign of something physically wrong. So help us get to the root of it. We're not going to be upset if we know you genuinely care about our well-being rather than how well we fit in with your buddy's string of hot babes.
3. Talk up sexy curvy babes (Marilyn Monroe, Christina Hendricks, Mariska Hargitay) before you break the news. -- You don't have to fake it, but a little reminder that women with meat on their bones are absolutely 100 percent normal is nice in this Photoshopped world. It can help ease the brutality of your honesty. In exchange we promise to find nice things to say about Drew Carey.
Ladies, any more tips for the guys?
Image via Cordey/Flickr