I was just researching an article (no, really!) when I found a press release for this: Trojan Fire and Ice Lubricated Condoms. My first reaction was: Fire! Ice! Those are the top two things I don’t want in my hoo-hoo! Followed quickly by lava, poop, and a boot! But really, fire and ice are very very far ahead of anyone else in that competition.
And yet this product, slathered in a “dual action lubricant” that provides “warming and tingling sensations to both partners,” has been “liked” by 432 people at press time.
Is this a thing? Is my guy supposed to want to feel like he fell asleep on his penis wrong, and now it’s asleep? That’s sexxy?
It’s enough to make a girl go out and look for other crazy condoms on the market. See if you can spot the fake one!
- Durex “Love” Condom: Formerly called the Maximum, this is flared at the top and bottom for “the fellow with above average needs.” I ask you -- is anyone going to not have these on hand, even if the truth is a little less flattering?
- Trojan “Magnum Twister” Condom: Not only does this one flare out from the base so it’s extra-loose, but it’s also textured to “help stimulate both partners in their most sensitive areas.” I’m looking right at it, and the stripes are all up and down the shaft, meaning it would tickle the inside walls of my vag. Ladies, this is not actually our most sensitive area. Ssh. Don’t tell Mr. Trojan. He’s apparently extra-sensitive.
- Obama Condoms “Stimulus Package”: They have a full-color image of our president on the inside. The writeup on these says this is “truly a breakthrough in condom technology.” Really, dudes? “Breakthrough” and “condom” in the same sentence? Buh.
- Personalized Condoms: Condomania will make the “You Condom” -- send them a picture, and they’ll convert it into a hip black-and-white image and stamp it on a condom. Or 30. What? That’d be quite a wedding favor!
- Flavored Condoms: Wait, I don’t get it! I don’t have taste buds in my ... ohhhh! [Edith Bunker voice]
So which ones are fake? Okay, sike! They’re all real -- and available at Condomania.
What’s the weirdest condom you ever used? Tell us in the comments!
Image via TrojanCondoms.com