Funny or Die Tackles Hand Jobs

Jeanne Sager

Garfunkel and OatesLadies, it's finally OK to admit it. Hand jobs may outrank fellatio on the icktastic scale, but they're not our strong suit.

Garfunkel and Oates, the ladies who admitted "Pregnant Women Are Smug" and taught us how to do our "Present Face" when we get a crappy gift, have given voice to all of us. We are the women who prefer to skip straight on into sex.

And we are the women who will be singing their catchy new jingle "Hand Job, Bland Job, I Don't Understand Job."

Did you catch the line from Kate? "Like Sam Jackson, I'm not as good with Shaft."

We can't be as good. There's just no way around it: women are at a distinct disadvantage when it comes to the art of the hand job. Guys have been doing it since they first discovered their mom's Victoria's Secret catalog and her bottle of Jergens in sixth grade.

We're supposed to be scared of blow jobs. But ladies, the blow job is your magic power. He can't do it to himself. This is why he's so jealous of his dog.

The hand job, on the other ... um, hand, is our Kryptonite. By the time we get to them, they've got their motions down (and up). And this is usually our first time even seeing a penis, not to mention having to make it work.

Guys, help us out here. We don't HAVE one of those things. So when you spit in our palm and ask us to go to work, don't expect us to know it's going to get all chapped. And how are we supposed to know that you like pressure at the base but not so much at the top?

Of course we could all practice with our shakeweights. Or just say no.

Are you hand job handi-capable?

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