Karen Owen PowerPoint: A Guy's Cure for ADD

Andrew Dalton

I think I found a cure for my ADD. It's Karen Owen's Duke sex thesis, which had me following every word of even the small text in well-focused horror.

April and Linda have the car-wreck details to stare at, but I'll offer a few thoughts from male angles (though not as many male angles as Owen explored).

First, from the man half of a relationship:

Ladies, keep this document away from your men if at all possible. There's a chance they might think it secretly reveals how you all feel about sex, and that you measure how good it is by his "aggression," and how little you can walk the next day. Of course if this rings true, print it out and leave it on his pillow. Or project it on the wall, like a PowerPoint was meant to be.

Next, as a father: 

Chris Rock says a father's main task in life is to "keep my daughter off the [stripper] pole." I think with this and the lacrosse team kerfuffle a few years ago, that's changed. It's make sure your daughter goes to a nice college that's NOT Duke.

The worst part? There is actually a college bar frequented by college jocks actually called Shooters. Kill me now.

Really, for all the hook-ups in stairwells and on balconies, it's the sex with near strangers while blacked-out drunk that is the most disturbing, both from Owen and the men. When at Shooters, I guess.

Finally, as a former college boy:

Of course, the real horror here is that Deadspin.com published the thing with names intact. They've since blacked out (sorry, poor word choice) the names after family and friends of the subjects and Owen herself asked them to. But they left in the pictures and these dudes are prominent athletes. I could give you all their names in five minutes.

While I don't entirely buy the line that somehow having a female Tucker Max represents liberation, it wouldn't be bad if every drunk frat boy on the make out there was a little more afraid of public humiliation that might go all the way up to his parents. 

The parents are the thing, in the end. I'll bet her subjects weren't all that embarrassed when the list circulated among friends, and some of them were probably proud -- even the ones who scored low (though not the ones who scored "little.") But when it reaches the Today show and mom and grandma find out, that changes everything. Even those of us who were somewhat well-behaved in college relished the fact that we could have two personas -- one for school and one for home. When that gets broken it's a real drag.

Finally, as every man is asking himself, Would I date this freak show?

Well, I clearly never would have had a shot, having been a soft, wannabe punk poet who doesn't pack a 'grandpa sock' or play a stick sport. Is anyone else struck by how wildly homogeneous the list is? White, waxed-chested baseball and lacrosse players. Seems like a lady seemingly as liberated would have mixed it up a bit more, and if I were her professor, I would have graded her down for having such a narrow and homogeneous man-sample.  

But I surprise even myself when I say, yeah, something like this wouldn't be a deal-breaker. I'd go out with her. She's no liberated role model but she sure seems fun. And after all of this madness, I'll bet she's the most discreet woman in America. All your secrets would be safe.


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