The Stir's dating expert, Jessica Bern, is here with a special edition of Dear Dating Mom, especially for Karen Owen of the Duke University sex list PowerPoint fame.
Dear College Girl with friends who don't know how to keep a secret:
I just read your Duke thesis on dating, and let me say first of all bravo on what a great idea. You have now inspired me to enroll in graduate school, but I'm thinking of trading in your penises for ice cream and cake, as I'm pretty sure each "subject" would rank at least an 8 from me and I'm positive after I've eaten every flavor, walking would never be a problem.
That being said, should I research my topic for as long as you did, I would have to likely amend that and say, “I’m positive after I’ve eaten every flavor, walking will probably be very difficult for me, to the point where my thighs will rub together to such a great degree that chances are high that I would set off enough sparks to risk burning down my entire body.
"This also will likely require me to hire a fireman to not only escort me to the location where I will be giving my presentation to the committee, but pay him to stand by just in case, as I tend to pace quite a bit when I’m nervous."
Now, as a “friend" (... you don’t mind if I call you that, do you? I mean, I know so much about you already ...), I have some dating advice I’d like to share with you as I’m pretty sure, from this day forward, your chances of getting any with anyone, even with those that are well endowed, are pretty much slim to none.
Image via prayinto/Flickr