The Stir's dating expert, Jessica Bern, is here with a special edition of Dear Dating Mom, especially for Karen Owen of the Duke University sex list PowerPoint fame.
Dear College Girl with friends who don't know how to keep a secret:
I just read your Duke thesis on dating, and let me say first of all bravo on what a great idea. You have now inspired me to enroll in graduate school, but I'm thinking of trading in your penises for ice cream and cake, as I'm pretty sure each "subject" would rank at least an 8 from me and I'm positive after I've eaten every flavor, walking would never be a problem.
That being said, should I research my topic for as long as you did, I would have to likely amend that and say, “I’m positive after I’ve eaten every flavor, walking will probably be very difficult for me, to the point where my thighs will rub together to such a great degree that chances are high that I would set off enough sparks to risk burning down my entire body.
"This also will likely require me to hire a fireman to not only escort me to the location where I will be giving my presentation to the committee, but pay him to stand by just in case, as I tend to pace quite a bit when I’m nervous."
Now, as a “friend" (... you don’t mind if I call you that, do you? I mean, I know so much about you already ...), I have some dating advice I’d like to share with you as I’m pretty sure, from this day forward, your chances of getting any with anyone, even with those that are well endowed, are pretty much slim to none.
- Move to Zimbabwe or rural Namibia. There's a very high likelihood no one there has read your thesis, and therefore chances are very good that you’ll still be able to get some whenever you need it, especially if you bring food and shelter with you.
- Afghanistan is another safe bet. I’m POSITIVE those guys have never heard of you and when you arrive I’m POSITIVE they still will have never heard of you, but if they do, three words: “death by stoning.”
- Illiterate men. a safe bet-- oh, and prisoners. They have very limited access to the Internet and when they do, they’re probably more interested in perusing sites such as the DefenseLawyersWhoWinAllTheirCases.com and LisaLicksAllofLindenhurstLongIsland.net, then some story about a college girl who spent $40,000 of her parents hard earned money to suck a bunch of d**ks and then write a report about it. And finally ...
- You might want to consider switching to Plan B. People enrolled in that plan have names like, “Kim, Patricia, Ellen, etc.” Wait, scratch that. Unless, you’re willing to walk into the bedroom with a signed contract stating you will never mention a word about what goes between you and them and the bedsheets, you’re probably screwed there, too, and again, not in the way you’d want to be.
Image via prayinto/Flickr