My husband and I have been married for 10 years and a couple for 5 more. After all this time, it still astounds me that he doesn't understand what I want to hear from him and want makes me want to run screaming from the house like a lunatic. I'm planning on plastering this on the fridge, lest he forget again.
What I don't want to hear from you, my darling husband ...
1. Details of how successful or unsuccessful your trip to the bathroom was. Just don't go there, please. Call your brother; that's what he's there for.
2. That you didn't like the dinner I slaved over all day long. Just smile, feed it to the dog under the table and shut the hell up.
3. How annoying you find the kids, three seconds after walking in the door. I've been with them all afternoon. I know.
4. The dirty joke you heard at work. Chances are, I won't think it's funny. Call your best friend. That's what he's there for.
5. That there are no clean socks. I have been doing laundry all freaking day. I have no idea why the basket is still full and I have no idea where your socks are. Wear a mismatched pair. Wear a dirty pair. Don't wear any at all. Just don't expect me to find you any.
6. That you think I look fat. I don't ever really want to know that, even if I ask. Tell me the color is wrong or it's not as flattering as it could be. Anything but fat.
7. That I haven't changed in two and a half days. I know. I can smell myself. I'll do something about it when I'm good and ready.
8. That your head hurts and your throat tickles and you are really sleepy. Call your mother. That's what she's there for.
9. That you're in the mood. Just go for it, or don't go for it, but I'm too exhausted to discuss it.
10. That you managed to wrangle all of the kids out of the house, to the museum, out to lunch and to the bathroom with no minor catastrophes. I like to think I'm the only one who can handle them, thank you very much.
What do you not want to hear from your husband or partner?