Karen Owen Thesis: Just the Juicy Parts

Linda Sharps

Oh dear, oh dear. This Karen Owen thing is blowing up the Internet, and I'm cringing for her—and I confess, I kind of can't stop reading her jaw-dropping PowerPoint. If Jackie Collins put together an extremely trashy academic paper, this is pretty much what it would look like.

The now widely circulated "Senior Honors Thesis" Karen created in order to document her sexual exploits with several Duke athletes is a whopping 42 pages long, but I've carefully studied the content (hello, for research) and here are a few of the, ah, highlights:

Pros: He is enormous. Like ... I was actually rendered speechless. Cons: He does not have all that exciting of a personality.

Let's be honest: were you really there to have a conversation?

Memorable moments: None. He was terrible, did not even bother to kiss me for more than a few seconds, and finished in about five minutes, after which he simply walked out of the room and did not return. Pros: He was at least […] fairly lengthy; he had a good body.

Karen. Girlfriend. Haven't you ever heard the saying it's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean?

Pros: Did I mention I could not walk the next day? Cons: He snored.

Hmmm, okay. I think I'm starting to get an idea of Ms. Owen's priorities.

Cons: Have you ever opened up a beautifully wrapped present on Christmas morning? […] excited beyond belief with the anticipation of seeing your dream gift? And then did you ever feel your smile plummet to the floor, and had to force every fiber of your being to appear excited as you thanked your grandpa for the single practical pair of coarse, grey wool socks now lying in your lap?

Aha, so what you're saying is, you were disappointed by his unusually small ... personality.

Memorable moments: His endless quotes: "Damn, you don't have a gag reflex, do you."

Oh my god I love it when a guy gets soooooo romantic like that. *swooon*

Cons: Additionally he was the 'silent' type, and made no noises to indicate pleasure or discontent in any way ….

Well, clearly he was rendered speechless.

What do you think about this whole thing? Can you imagine documenting your sex life in such detail?

Image via Deadspin.com

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