Bodily Functions: 4 Gross Relationship Deal-Breakers

Jennifer Cullen

bathroomDo you and your husband have an open bathroom door policy? Or are you more of a "close the door and double lock it" couple?

Not getting too familiar with your spouse's bodily functions helps keep some of the sexiness in your relationship. It's called having personal boundaries.

It's not that I don't appreciate the many wonders of the human body. And I'm not squeamish. I almost went to medical school. I just don't need to share my body's every function with anybody other than my physician. Especially not my husband. And he can keep a few things to himself as well.

So if you want to keep some of the mystique in your marriage, both you and your spouse should limit these bodily functions to when you're solo:

1. The Anal Salute

Call it whatever you want: passing gas, farting, breaking wind, cutting the cheese, or the old anal salute. It's unpleasant. Loud and often smelly. I know we're really just animals and expelling gas out of our butts is a natural phenomenon, but most of the time we can control it. There's plenty of time to excuse yourself and go into another room. And it's definitely not okay to revel in the smell or brag about the noise, especially while you're in bed. No Dutch ovens allowed.

2. Oral Gas

Burping, also known as belching, is really just expelling gas out of your mouth. A mouth fart. And it's rude. With that being said, there are times when a burp is unavoidable. In that case, be civilized and say excuse me. Turn your head and don't blow it in your spouse's face. They don't need to know what you had for dinner last night. They were there too. And whatever you do, don't burp the alphabet with your 12 year-old son at your family's summer get-together.

3. Golden Shower

Of all the bodily functions, urinating, peeing, pissing, or wee-weeing in front of your spouse is the least mystique shattering. If you've got to go and there's no place else to do it, then go ahead and pee in front of your husband. And then he can pee in front of you. Or as some men like to say drain the main vein or bleed the lizard. Just be prepared to see something that might scar you for life. Such as a sneeze while in mid-stream and a less than firm grip on his member. What do you say after that? Gesundheit and please wipe down the walls? And then, of course, there's the Golden Shower, but we don't play that in my house.

4. BMs, Number 2s, and Just Plain Crap

The euphemisms for the act of expelling feces from your body are endless: drop a deuce, pinch a loaf, drop the kids off at the pool. Whatever you want to call it, doing this in front of your spouse is the ultimate deal-breaker. Close the door so I don't have to see you reading the newspaper that I haven't read yet. Or see the aforementioned wipe. And please use the spray when you're done. And if you have those low-flow toilets, flush twice. I don't want to see your shrapnel floating around the next time I have to go. Not a turn-on. End of discussion.

How close is too close in a marriage? Where do you draw the line?


Image via chriskoning_gr/Flickr

Read More