Crap My Mother-in-Law Says

Jennifer Cullen
30

Mother in lawDo you speak the language of mother-in-law?

It's the language she speaks when making a comment that means something other than what was actually said.

She starts speaking that special language after you've married her son. Her "momma's boy." She's lost her son and she's no longer his number 1 woman.

Well, what do you expect her to do? She's got to go on the offensive.

And then what? Does your husband's loyalty stay with his mother or does it switch to you? I hope that he makes the right decision. His mother's not going to bring him to orgasm, bear his children, or grow old with him. But she will continue to needle you and give you backhanded compliments until she leaves this earth.

In the meantime, to help you understand the MIL language, here are translations of some of the seemingly innocuous things that she says to you:

1. What your MIL says: "Gee, my son looks so great. He's never been so thin before. Has he started a new exercise program or something?"

What your MIL means: "You suck as a cook. You're slowly starving my son to death."

 

2. What your MIL says: "You look so great. Did you get your hair done? Is that a new outfit?"

What your MIL means: "Who do you think you are spending all of my son's hard-earned money? Gold-digger."

 

3. What your MIL says: "Wow, all of the activities that the kids do in pre-school sound great. And they have so many friends there."

What your MIL means: "The kids shouldn't be at day care with all of those kids. They should be home with their mother. What is wrong with you, subjecting them to all those germs and getting them all run-down?"

 

4. What your MIL says: "I was just in the neighborhood and wanted to say hi. No, don't worry. No bottled water? No, I don't need anything to drink. I know you're busy."

What your MIL means: "I think that you're just sitting on your ass all day and watching soap operas. Your kitchen is filthy and I would never eat or drink anything from it. Lazy good for nothing daughter-in-law."

 

5. What your MIL says: "The children are so full of energy. Like little rockets ricocheting off the walls. And they're dressed so comfortably."

What your MIL means: "Don't you ever discipline those kids? They're misbehaving little monsters. And they look homeless."

 

6. What your MIL says: "I got this great new low-fat cookbook. Maybe you want to borrow it?"

What your MIL means: "You fat cow. Maybe if you wouldn't eat like you were pregnant, you would lose some of the 50 pounds you gained when you were pregnant."

 

7. What your MIL says: "The kids have grown so much. I hardly recognize them."

What your MIL means: "You should feel guilty that I haven't seen my grandchildren recently. Why do you keep them from me? I may die soon. Tomorrow even. And they won't know me."

 

8. What your MIL says: "Suzi (the other daughter-in-law) took me out to lunch for my birthday to that beautiful restaurant on the water. You know, the one you go to all of the time."

What your MIL says: "You selfish, good for nothing daughter-in-law."

 

9. What your MIL says: "I love the present that you got me. I saw it at TJ Maxx last week. You're so thoughtful."

What your MIL means: "I know it was on sale. You are cheap and have bad taste."

 

10. What your MIL says: "When I had my children, I planned them to be close in age. Little Mikey is already 2 years old. He'll be a great big brother one day."

What your MIL means: "Is there a problem with your uterus or are you frigid? If I could bear my son's child, I would. Poor Mikey."

 

Do you have a mother-in-law like this or did you get one of the good ones?

 

Image via didbygraham/Flickr


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