Married people fight and frequently fight about the same things over and over. And over. And over.
We all have our things that set us over the edge. For some it's the laundry. For others the dishes. We fight about sex and money and children and who does more and parking tickets and who gets to go to the gym when and on and on and on.
For Shellyann Henry of Brooklyn, New York, it was porn and on September 9, the mother of three stabbed her husband fatally after she found a porn DVD in the player.
Perhaps a tad reactive?
Porn is a touchy subject, to be sure. Some can't stand the thought of it, others are more amenable.
Here are some of the biggie marriage fights:
My husband is welcome to do whatever he wants so long as I'm allowed to do the same. We are, after all, still separate people. But the dishes? If it's his turn to do them and they're still piled up later in the day, forget about it. He may wish I would stab him so as to not hear me yell.
In fact, we would likely be divorced today if we didn't decide soon after our daughter was born to hire a cleaning lady. Not surprisingly, cleaning (and chores) was the number one answer to my unscientific poll.
Who cooks? Who cleaned the bathroom? Who mopped the floor? Who did the dishes? I have seethed over a sink full of sudsy dishes more than I would like to admit and laundry and cooking fall only slightly behind.
Who makes it, who spends it? Are you a spendthrift and your husband a miser or vice versa? It can make things miserable.
Both my husband and I like to spend, though I probably enjoy it a bit more. Not surprisingly money fights are often about much deeper issues. How were you raised? How was he raised? How much do you each expect to spend? These kinds of issues reach deep into our families of origin and are some of the most intense in many marriages.
Most of us manage not to stab our spouses over these fights, but how much sex we expect versus how much we actually get is a huge problem in many marriages.
Beyond that, it's personal preference. Who was flirting with who? Who saw porn and the other didn't like it? Who said no when the other really needed it?
Open communication would likely solve many of these issues, but not all couples have that.
Couples with children find themselves in this situation frequently. You both want to go to the gym, see movies with friends, go to dinner once in a while, and read a book. The other parent feels put out and you fight.
It happens again and again.
At my house, we try to be equitable and divvy it up fairly, but between busy work schedules and childcare, we often both feel we get little downtime.
Again, communicate and compromise. And don't expect it to solve itself overnight.
What do you and your spouse fight about?
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