One of the best things about getting married seven years ago was that I could finally stop pretending to care about football.

Because of my fetish for larger men, I almost always ended up with guys who played or liked football, so I spent many a fall engaged in "football lessons." Hell, I grew up in Ohio where football is religion and spent most of my Friday nights at the game, wrapped in a plaid blanket and "rooting for the home team!" (Or wait, was that baseball?)

There were many nights I came home from a game and couldn't even tell my father the score. Yeah. It was bad. Even my husband was relieved when I gave up the ruse.

"I never believe a woman when she says she likes football anyway," he told me. And so we formed a theory. Women who like football, like women who moan and scream at the peak of sex just to get it over with, are mostly faking it.

Oh, I know I will get backlash from the "no really I love spending every Sunday wearing a football jersey and cheering with my husband" women, but seriously, come on.

Football is boring. And though I've always heard from men that they call bull#$@( when a woman professes her love for football, a (very) informal poll I conducted recently among men I know revealed that men actually do find it hot when a woman is "into" football.

Even more reason to lie!

I know it goes against all feminist theories on equality, but come on ladies. Tell me the truth. You don't really love football, do you? It's all a ruse to get men to think you're oh-so-cute one of the guys.

My female friends who say they love football tell me I'm wrong, but this is one generalization I must make (loudly). You are not really that into football.

So sure am I of this theory that I want to host a football trivia contest. I would love to get five women who say they are huge fans to go up against five men who also are. If the women can beat the men, then I will stand corrected.

Wear your jerseys, sit in the stands on snowy days in November, pretend like you actually know the score (sure, sure).

But if you lose, then I'll know I'm right.

OK, so I'm kidding. Kind of. OK, not really. I don't get it all.

Are you a football fan? What am I missing?

 

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