Large Love Missile Isn't as Explosive as You Think

Michele Zipp

rulerEvery guy thinks a big penis will solve all his problems, make him the most macho, walk with a swagger, and get all the girls. A large member might even seem like the second coming of Jesus, winning a billion jajillion lottery purse, or marrying a girl who allows him to cheat and never ever asks him to clean up after himself.

Dear men: This is just not true.

In fact, having a really large one is almost as bad as having a really small one.

Obviously, I am not a size Queen ... well, not exactly. I do like a man with girth, stamina, and length -- but not too too much of any of that. And definitely not too little. I guess I'm the Goldilocks of cock. Creativity, foreplay skills, and imagination are big deals for me.

I have ... ahem ... heard of guys being so large that it's actually a hindrance. Sure the curiosity is there for every girl and guy, gay or straight, to see a mammoth member in the flesh, ready to go as big as half a baseball bat, like fist to elbow big. And it's impressive, yes, but it also would really really really hurt if you had a shallow vagina.

Shallow vagina, low uterus. I think you get the point I'm making here. Plus, that wild, unbridled ALL THE WAY IN kind of sex just isn't going to happen unless you like a hard pounding on your cervix. Owie. This also eliminates sex standing up against the wall, which is really quite fantastic.

And to any sexpert who claims that arousal will make your cervix rise and all you need is more foreplay to get more sexed up clearly hasn't been with a man with a really really really large penis. Sometimes you just cannot get the cervix high enough no matter how hot you are by the sight of a massive member. Even if you got yourself thisclose to orgasm with your favorite vibrator. Or how skilled said man with a massive member is with his tongue because he knows his massive member may scare your cervix to lower. (Okay that might be giving him too much credit. Do men even know what a cervix is?)

Seeing something that big coming at your tight vag (because we all want to think we have the tightest, hottest vaginas around right?) can be a turn-off. A scary oh-my-god-how-is-that-going-to-fit kind of turn-off. A stop the presses the ink has runneth dry turn-off!

In a highly scientific poll I conducted last year, 54 percent said that size doesn't matter -- what really matters is how he uses it. Yesss! Twenty-three percent of you were size Queens and another 23 percent said it depends. Good work. I can almost guarantee that the same poll, if taken just by men, would reveal some very different results.

Still, as Kristen Chase said at BlogHer, the best way to make your husband happy and not worried when you write about your sex life is to say that he has a big penis. And Christie told me that one of her friends said that the best way (the only way) to turn down a guy for sex and to have him walk away happy is to tell him his dick is too big. He will never be offended.

Wise words. But men should know not to waste any time worrying if their penis isn't the biggest around unless of course they want to be a porn star or they measure success by getting their penis in the Guinness Book of World Records (over 14 inches will beat the record by the way).

Too big is too big. But guys with big ones (and little ones, heck all sizes) should brush up on their oral skills -- ladies love this. Creativity and imagination, like I said, will win big points and get a lot of us dripping with desire. And for the guys who are too small, just pray you meet a girl with a really shallow vagina, not a shallow mind.

Oh and remember, penetration isn't the only way to come -- many women can't orgasm this way anyway. You can have sex without having sex.

Are you a size Queen?

Image via Sterlic/Flickr

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