When we take off our clothes and agree to go horizontal (or vertical or perpendicular or etc.) with another person, we agree to make ourselves vulnerable and that vulnerability ... well, sometimes it leads to humiliation.

Yes, sex can be fantabulous, knock-your-socks-off delicious and it can also be smelly, loud, and slurpy.

Even those of us who have been with our partner forever aren't immune. The other day, my husband, a man I usually joke has only five senses (and smell isn't one of them), refused to hug me until I had showered.

"I can't tell if that's you or our son's diaper," he told me after I sat on his lap.

It wasn't my sexiest moment.

In my defense, I had just run 6 miles in 90 degrees, but still. Ouch.

This is just one of many sexual faux pas that many of us have either experienced or committed at one point or another.

50 Biggest Sexual Faux Pas:

  1. Farting
  2. Queefing
  3. Premature ejaculation
  4. Falling off the bed
  5. Hurting oneself in a position
  6. Getting stuck in a position
  7. Slipping on the floor
  8. Finishing somewhere unwelcome
  9. Falling asleep
  10. Moaning the wrong name
  11. Getting a Charlie Horse while you're on top
  12. Bumping heads
  13. Bumping teeth
  14. Accidentally laying teeth on "sensitive" spots
  15. Thinking you were getting some when you weren't
  16. Burping
  17. Leaving the blinds open when it's dark outside (and light inside)
  18. Peeing by accident
  19. Saying anything you learned from porn ("All night long, baby. All night long." = Not sexy.)
  20. Letting the dog watch
  21. Letting the dog join
  22. Smelling bad
  23. Shaving parts that will chafe and irritate your partner
  24. Making any reference to the "Irish Man's Curse" while having sex
  25. Getting caught
  26. Attempting a daring move and failing
  27. Smelling bad/forgetting to shower for days
  28. Attempting to do missionary when you lack the upper body strength
  29. Not warning during oral that you're about to finish
  30. Not making the decision to spit or swallow and instead just kind of gurgling
  31. Laughing when your partner undresses
  32. Getting up in the middle to pee
  33. Not trimming the hedges
  34. Accidentally going in the wrong orifice
  35. Anything involving poo
  36. Stray hairs in the mouth
  37. Yawning
  38. Waking the baby during sex
  39. Excessive itching
  40. Planting hickeys on visible areas
  41. Taking too long to finish
  42. Using childish names for body parts
  43. Suggesting something that horrifies your partner ("Let's try a zucchini!")
  44. Getting up immediately and showering after
  45. Wearing socks while getting busy
  46. Not trimming toenails
  47. Losing the key to the handcuffs
  48. Referencing an ex's genitalia in any way
  49. Biting too hard
  50. Talking dirty when it's unwelcome ("Dirty little BI#$" is not sexy to everyone, just FYI.)

Beware these 50 landmines and you should be fine!

What are some of the biggest sexual faux pas I missed?


Image via Incase./Flickr