When we take off our clothes and agree to go horizontal (or vertical or perpendicular or etc.) with another person, we agree to make ourselves vulnerable and that vulnerability ... well, sometimes it leads to humiliation.
Yes, sex can be fantabulous, knock-your-socks-off delicious and it can also be smelly, loud, and slurpy.
Even those of us who have been with our partner forever aren't immune. The other day, my husband, a man I usually joke has only five senses (and smell isn't one of them), refused to hug me until I had showered.
"I can't tell if that's you or our son's diaper," he told me after I sat on his lap.
It wasn't my sexiest moment.
In my defense, I had just run 6 miles in 90 degrees, but still. Ouch.
This is just one of many sexual faux pas that many of us have either experienced or committed at one point or another.
50 Biggest Sexual Faux Pas:
- Premature ejaculation
- Falling off the bed
- Hurting oneself in a position
- Getting stuck in a position
- Slipping on the floor
- Finishing somewhere unwelcome
- Falling asleep
- Moaning the wrong name
- Getting a Charlie Horse while you're on top
- Bumping heads
- Bumping teeth
- Accidentally laying teeth on "sensitive" spots
- Thinking you were getting some when you weren't
- Leaving the blinds open when it's dark outside (and light inside)
- Peeing by accident
- Saying anything you learned from porn ("All night long, baby. All night long." = Not sexy.)
- Letting the dog watch
- Letting the dog join
- Smelling bad
- Shaving parts that will chafe and irritate your partner
- Making any reference to the "Irish Man's Curse" while having sex
- Getting caught
- Attempting a daring move and failing
- Smelling bad/forgetting to shower for days
- Attempting to do missionary when you lack the upper body strength
- Not warning during oral that you're about to finish
- Not making the decision to spit or swallow and instead just kind of gurgling
- Laughing when your partner undresses
- Getting up in the middle to pee
- Not trimming the hedges
- Accidentally going in the wrong orifice
- Anything involving poo
- Stray hairs in the mouth
- Waking the baby during sex
- Excessive itching
- Planting hickeys on visible areas
- Taking too long to finish
- Using childish names for body parts
- Suggesting something that horrifies your partner ("Let's try a zucchini!")
- Getting up immediately and showering after
- Wearing socks while getting busy
- Not trimming toenails
- Losing the key to the handcuffs
- Referencing an ex's genitalia in any way
- Biting too hard
- Talking dirty when it's unwelcome ("Dirty little BI#$" is not sexy to everyone, just FYI.)
Beware these 50 landmines and you should be fine!
What are some of the biggest sexual faux pas I missed?
Image via Incase./Flickr