no sex

On average we all have four people we never want to hear sexy talk from.

Our parents.

And his parents.

In fact, the in-laws make it to the top of the list every time.

But if you have those in-laws who overshare worse than a drunk-dialing sorority girl during rush week, we feel for you.

And we'd like you to know it could be worse. Your in-laws could have pulled one of these real-life perv moments:

1. Bought Her Sexy Underwear. J's in-laws bought her a black thong with the words "I have the pussy, so I'm in charge" on them.

2. Admired Her Boobs. T's father-in-law bought her a necklace with a chain that fell perfectly between her boobs. When she changed into a cleavage-covering sweater, he told her to put the other shirt back on because it looked better.

3. Shared Their Clean-Up Stories. R's aware that her ex-boyfriend's parents used "sex rags" in their house. She's also all too aware they were once her boyfriend's cloth diapers. Is it any wonder they're not together?

4. Talked About His Size. G's boyfriend's mom often brags about the size of her son's penis. If that's not Oedipal enough for you, how about this? She says, "You don't get THAT from your father."

4. Instructed Her on Pleasing Their Child. On the day of E's now husband's bachelor party, his mom told her she "hoped 'I f***ed the shit out of him before he left.'" Keep it classy Moms.

5. Had Loud Sex. The trauma didn't end at the bachelor party (surprise, surprise?). E got to hear the in-laws going at it on her wedding night. So much for romance.

6. Shared Porn Preferences. L's ex-boyfriend's mom once asked if she could borrow some porn ... and specified that she preferred girl-on-girl if she had any.

7. Took Her Vibrator Shopping. L's ex-boyfriend's mom also took her shopping -- for a vibrator for when her boyfriend came to town.

8. Made Much of Masturbation. When C mentioned her daughter seemed to be a little touchy feely on herself, her mother-in-law announced, "She gets that from her grandmother."

9. Insinuated Her Son Is HERS. R's mother-in-law once told her, "'Make love to my son ... it's the only thing that I can't do!" while E's mother-in-law informed her if they ever divorced, her son "is mine."

10. Talked Up Daddy-in-Law's Junk. B's mother-in-law asked her if she'd ever seen an uncircumcised penis, then informed her she had -- because her husband had one. Thanks Ma, we can never look him in the eye again.

What's the worst thing your in-laws have said?

 

Image via djwingsia/Flickr