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Got a question about guys? Ask Dad, and you shall receive (an answer). Today's query:
My husband of 11 years just told me that before we got married, he went to a strip club with friends and got a couple of lap dances. I am angry and confused since we had an extremely active sex life. Why do men do this? Should I trust him or leave him?
Wait. We're talking about something that happened at least 12 years ago? Before you were married? And you're upset?
I agree that getting a lap dance probably wasn't the best decision, but seriously -- this is ancient history. You weren't even married. The fact that you had (?) a great sex life has absolutely nothing to do with it. Women want to link a guy's sexual satisfaction at home with going to strip clubs, but there's just no link, unless, say, he's going every night.
We go, we drink (too much, usually), we look at the pretty boobies and enjoy some male bonding time -- don't underestimate that last one. Group strip club outings are more about having fun with your friends than they are about getting turned on. I bet the lap dances weren't even your man's idea, but were bought for him by his friends so they could watch and laugh at him.
I'm not defending strip clubs. Personally, they bore me after 10 to 15 minutes, and I think a married man has no business frequenting these places, which is why I can't even remember the last time I went to one. I also think that physical contact with a stripper, particularly the simulated sex of a lap dance, crosses the line, which is why many states outlaw such contact.
If I have any concern, it's why he felt the need to confess after all these years. Does he have a guilty conscience or did it simply come up in conversation? Could there be other things he's not telling you? Might be worth asking. You might also want to discuss how you feel about him going to strip clubs now and decide together what you think is appropriate so that this doesn't happen again in the future. Every woman is different -- some don't care if their husbands go to strip clubs, some do. Every couple must decide its own rules.
If this lap dance incident is the only thing shaking your trust in him, you need to give him a pass. It's ancient history and you weren't even married at the time. I say let it go.
Have a question for dad? Leave it in a comment below or email us here -- be sure to choose Love & Sex as your topic.
Image via brh_images/Flickr
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Comments (12)
I like this dad. He touched on everything that I thought when I read it.
Agreed, Cary!
Eh, my husand still goes to strip clubs with his friends on occassion. Mostly they do it for a laugh. I have no problem with it. He comes home and tells me all about it, we laugh like crazy, making fun of the strippers and the patrons. This is not an area of concern for me.
I have never had an issue with it either. Totally a let it go thing :)
Now look.Do you even want a husband? what man don't want a little parying fun before he gets married.and then to think he is in a better place then he was 11 years ago because he told you.he could have kept that till death do you part besides,There are so many worst things.he went to see strippers not an orgy.some strippers are descent.just another way of paying off bills.hell,my husband goes and i get upset when he leave me.LOL
omg, yes, let it go already... I've been married nearly 12 and hubby and I have gone together. It's fun, it's casual, it's a hoot. If you are this upset, you are obviously insecure in your relationship and THAT is what you need to work on. It's kind of sad that you need to seek advice online rather than talk to your husband about it. See a counselor if it has you that worried.
She should retaliate and go to a Male Strip Club :) Just kidding, on the other hand if she's thinking on leaving him for something that happened 12 years ago, then the strip club is just an excuse, she want' to dump him.
Um, it's definitely time to let go and move on. Like it's been pointed out- This was over 11 years ago, before you were married. I'm not sure why your husband has waited so long to admit to this, maybe you can ask him? But if this is his biggest fault in your relationship thus far, I think you're doing well. :) However, I can totally understand you being angry. I for one am against strip clubs. My husband & I have been married 8 1/2 years, we went to one together 2 years ago for my sister's 30th birthday party. I was uncomfortable, hot, bored. Not my thing. I wasn't overly crazy about some woman waving her breasts in my husband's face either, as I felt that was my job. We haven't gone back since. But, you really do need to forgive & forget. Maybe thank your husband for being honest, but by no means don't let this one thing end your marriage. Altho, this might be a good time for your husband to start kissing your butt. :D
bethany, it sounds like it just came up in conversation - not an "admittance." Which is fair because it's not like he really had to "admit" to anything - he didn't exactly do anything wrong, and I don't think he needs to make up for anything.
"Why do men do this?" Are you kidding? No seriously, are you?
I'm married and have never been to a strip club. Never even had the slightest desire and I absolutely LOVE naked chicks. But I'm funding an adventure with my wife to one at the end of the month with her girlfriends cuz she'll have a blast. Do I have any delusions that she may fall in love with a stripper and leave me? Hahahahahahahaa!!! And if she ever lost her mind and headed for stripper bliss, she's more than welcome to it. I'll take that as a sign to move on to a NOT crazy person.
To be honest, I can't for the life of me conceive of what you're even worried about. Set some clear rules in the relationship, review them periodically to see if they still fit, then hold tight to them. You'll save yourself a WORLD of brain strain that way.