Ask Dad: Should I Have My Ex's Baby?

Cary McNeal

clockHowdy, citizens. You're just in time -- the Ask Dad train is loading up for another spin. All aboard!

I'm a divorced woman, late 30s, no kids. Yes, my biological clock is ticking. My ex-bf offered to get me pregnant so I can experience motherhood, but we would not be a couple. Should I do it?

Oh, but you would be a couple -- a couple of parents to your baby, which, unlike your dating status, will never change. Ever.

Having your ex's baby will link you together for the rest of your lives, for better or for worse. You need to consider that. I don't know how you feel about the guy, but he's your ex for a reason. Something happened to split you two apart; you had obstacles in your relationship and chose not to be together.

You won't have that luxury as parents. You'll always be the mother and father of the child, and will always have a reason to be involved in each other's lives if you so choose. That might work out just fine, but it also might not. Are you willing to risk it?

I know a couple -- I'll call them Gert and Bernie -- who had difficulty getting pregnant because of the Gert's poor egg quality. They were good friends with another couple they'd known for years -- Sam and Delilah. After Gert tried various infertility treatments to no avail, Delilah, who was already a mother of three and never had infertility problems, offered to donate her eggs to Gert and Bernie so they could have a baby. Gert and Bernie said yes, they'd like to try that. They knew it was risky, but they'd all been friends so long that it was a safe bet.

It never came to pass, however. Gert became pregnant about six months later, and not long after that, the two couples had a terrible falling out, one so severe and rooted in so many deeper issues that it was unresolvable. When their friendship ended, all were able to make a clean break from each other. Had Gert and Bernie used Delilah's eggs to get pregnant, the situation would be infinitely more complicated -- as will yours, if you choose to have this man's baby.

Again, things could work out fine, but you are taking a risk with someone you already chose not to be partners with. Be friends, be lovers, be whatever, but I would avoid letting him be the father of your child.


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