Recently I had the very unpleasant experience of having a visceral reaction to a friend's new romantic partner. He was rude, inconsiderate and the more I learned about him, the more I hated the way he treated my friend.
Having (luckily) never been in this situation before, I was sincerely stumped as to how to react. For awhile I hoped she would dump him, so I wouldn't have to deal. When it became clear she wasn't going to do that, I (and another friend) stepped in and said something.
Now that we're on the other side of the relationship, and he finally did something awful enough to warrant her kicking him to the curb, I wonder if repeatedly telling her he was a no-good s.o.b. was helpful, hurtful, or if it even mattered. So I asked some of my other lady friends to tell me what they did when they really, really hate their girlfriend's new man.
It turns out, most of them said to, "suck it up." Or, to quote again, "It's not about you." The work-around solution offered was frequent girl's nights to avoid the jerk. The most mature suggestion was to try to make it work with the guy if you really want to keep your friend close. And the most fun suggestion was to create a checklist when you're out with the couple for every objectionable thing the guy says. Once you reach your limit, take off. Or turn it into a drinking game. Either/or.
But I couldn't help but go back to the minority opinion when one of my friends said her policy is tell the friend when the guy is a loser, as she would want someone to tell her.
Before taking this advice and declaring it the winner, I asked another friend who admitted to dating a total d-bag what happened when her friends got together and had a jerk-off intervention. Her answer was exactly what I was afraid of hearing: It really didn't have any bearing on her decision to be with him or not. In fact, it just made her feel bad that her friends were pointing out what she already knew.
What do you do when your friend is dating a total a-hole?
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