Don't Cry When You Masturbate & Other Things Vintage Sex Ed Teaches Us

Amy Keyishian
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Type Vintage Sex Ed into Google, and you’ll have to weed through some weird shizz ... but you’ll also find some classic clips that will make you feel funny ... down there. Or maybe they’ll just make you laugh, like they do for me. I find the whole yesteryear sex ed thing so strange.
 
Just take a look at some of these sex ed days gone by and ask yourself: If this was what sex was all about, would you ever have gotten knocked up in the first place?

Not that things were all that much clearer in the '70s, when Mrs. Berger came to our 5th and 6th grade classrooms with pink pamphlets and free samples of belted pads (yikes!). The actual sex talk came from a pervy teacher in 7th grade who got fired for wearing blackface on Halloween. But that's another story. For now, let's learn about the gonads, and how they can make you get pimples ... apparently.

This 1960s-era doctor is here to assure George that masturbation is okie-doke, and “a healthy, happy sex life can be one of the most wonderful parts of a good marriage.” To which I say: “And what does Mrs. Doctor say about that, mister sexxy?”



 
"Boy to Man" was made in 1962, and "Girl to Woman" followed suit in 1965. Both spend way too much time on skin care. But "B2M" is awesome because one of the advisors is Irving Klitsner! HYUK!
 
Boy to Man:

 
Girl to Woman:

 
Reaching further back to the 1950s, we learn that “in puberty, certain glands begin to work, and our bodies change.” Oh. Well, sure, that explains everything!



 
Here’s a little documentary about the birth-control pill! Why don’t people like the old-fashioned condom? Well, “it probably affects the sensation a little bit.” Yah. Probably.



 
I’m so mad that this anthology of 60 years’ worth of British sex ed isn’t available on this side of the Atlantic! How awesome? Don’t be like Brenda!



 
But really, what more do you need to know than this clip from The Simpsons?



 
How did you learn about the birds and the bees? Tell us in the comments!

 

Image via BFI Film Store

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