911 Emergency! Hello, I Need a Husband!

Amy Keyishian

Drunk Dialing
Drunk dialing: Not the strongest choice.
According to an AP report, 57-year-old Audrey Scott had a few too many drinks while thinking about how lonely she was. The result: She called 911 not once ... not twice ... but five times, announcing that this was an emergency: Send me a husband, stat!

This landed her three days in jail, and she could serve seven more if she doesn't behave herself for the next year.

But you know, is this really the worst idea? There are so many ways in which it could have had a fairy-tale ending:

  • One of those five 911 operators might have been just as lonely, and fallen for the very lilt of her slurred speech.
  • She could have met a handsome policeman who would be captivated by her charm as he eased her into the back of his black-and-white.
  • During her days in jail, she might have met a sympathetic guard (you know, like those nice fellows on Oz).
  • She also could have taken the opportunity, while incarcerated with other women, to realize the reason she hadn't yet found a husband was that she really wanted a wife -- and fallen for her cell-mate.

Or, as is more likely, she could take the opportunity to say, "Hmm, this might be rock-bottom" and start going to AA meetings -- which I can say from close experience are teeming with available men, despite the recommendation that you not start dating during your first year in the program.

Frankly, I can't see why she's having so much trouble. According to the U.S. Census, there are 6,528 single men between the ages of 15 and dead living in Alliance, Ohio, where she hails (and called) from. One of them has got to be Audrey's perfect match, don't you think? (Okay, not the young ones.) Besides, how can you not find Prince Charming when your town has an actual castle?

Ah, well. Best of luck to you, Audrey. We may not have joined you in desperately drunk-dialing 911 operators, but I think we've all had our moments of wishing we could pick up the phone and order up a life-mate.


Image via sidewalk flying/Flickr

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