Flickr photo by AXEHD
For some, married sex is a chore, something they schedule between dance classes and daycare pick-ups, something many couples might like to ignore altogether.
But let's not.
Because sex is what separates us from being just best friends or, god forbid, like brother and sister.
There was a time before you saw him change a million poopy diapers and before he saw you dilated to 10 centimeters, where the two of you were exploring and learning about each other's bodies and, the fact is, whatever you think you know about your spouse, there are new things still to find.
I have gathered a few trick ideas both from my arsenal and those of my friends. They include:
1. Talk Fantasy
My husband and I have been married seven years, together 10 and been friends for 20. There is very little that could surprise us. And yet ... I recently learned that my husband had a fantasy he had never shared and that fantasy involved streams of photos taken and shared between us. Two iPhones and separate rooms for a designated period of time? And he was a happy husband. For me, it was an opportunity to fulfill a fantasy I had not even realized he had. I bet everyone could find something similar.
2. Something New Out of Bed
This is not all in bed (wait until # 3 for that), there is also some fun to be had outside the boudoir. When you were younger (more adventurous, shall we say), did you sky dive? Bungee jump? White water raft? Remember how bonded you felt with your companions? Why not try that with your spouse. If you always have Chinese, go for sushi. If you always see a movie, get tickets to the opera. If you both are runners, try a class in rock climbing. Mix it up and bond over something sort of new to you both.
3. Something New in Bed
Have you always wanted to try role play? Has he always wanted to try anal? Now is the time to try those things you have not yet. I am sure there is something. Why not find it together? Maybe some of those "I'll never dos" you had before have become "Okay, maybe I'll tries" now. My husband and I make it a point to try something "out there" every few months whether it is going to an amateur porn festival, visiting an underground sex club or sexting back and forth -- we try to keep it fresh. It does not have to be huge, either. Is he always on top? Why don't you switch? Like masturbation individually? Try it together. Even little changes can help you see your partner with new eyes, which is really the result you want.
4. (Good) Porn
There is porn for women. There is porn for men. There are bondage films and there are fantasy films. There is erotic literature and printed books. There are about as many different kinds of porn as there are people in the United States. In other words, there is something out there you will like. Try to find it. Do a scavenger hunt and each bring back a piece of "porn" that does it for you. Now swap. This is another way to learn what your partner might be too afraid to ask you. So pay attention and also explore what does it for you at the same time.
5. Costume Changes
My husband has two pairs of glasses: one we call the "Clark Kents" and the other we just call "The Hot Ones." I love that he can go back and forth. He is still the same guy but I see him differently each time he changes or takes them off. With me, it's the hair. I am always changing the color, wearing it up or down, letting it be curly or ironing it straight. These are small things, but they add up and for us, it provides an opportunity to almost be with someone else and to be surprised by what a partner we know like the back of our hand has hidden in his.
What do you do to keep it fresh?