Hottest 50 Women Alive: A Grown Man's Reply to Maxim's Hot 100

Cary McNeal
11


Photo from Maxim.com
Maxim
magazine just came out with its annual Hot 100 list of women, and as usual, the list breaks down as follows:

  1. 31%: Who?
  2. 23%: Young enough to be my daughter
  3. 19%: Skanks/hoochie-mamas
  4. 14%: Will be forgotten by this time next year
  5. 9%: On some vampire show/movie
  6. 4%: Okay, so they got a couple right

Not a stellar showing, for sure. But then again, I'm over 15, so I don't exactly fall into Maxim's core demographic. That's why I'm making my own list of favorite hotties. As in, women. Real women. Not little girls. And not the flavor of the month, but women with beauty and talent and staying power. And yes, I love The Stir's list of Sexiest Moms, but this is my list of women -- mom or not.

On my list, most of the women are over 30. Many are over 40. A few are over 50. Two are over 60. One is over 80. That's right. 80. Okay, so it's an honorary pick. Still, let's see Maxim put anyone over 35 on their list, much less an octogenarian.

Before I give you my 50, here are 11 you won't find on my list:

  1. Kim Kardashian. No, any Kardashian.
  2. The thing formerly known as Lindsay Lohan.
  3. Anyone from The Hills.
  4. Jessica Simpson.
  5. Kendra, Kate, Snooki, or anyone else from any reality show.
  6. Bea Arthur. But only because she's dead.
  7. Madonna. Her arms frighten me.
  8. Anyone from Sex and the City.
  9. Britney Spears.
  10. Paris Hilton.
  11. Angelina Jolie. Enough already.

Now, on to the good part: My 50, in no particular order. By the way, a few of them also made Maxim's list. Not many, though.

  1. Kate Winslet (Revolutionary Road)
  2. Betty White (The Golden Girls)
  3. Eva Mendes (Training Day)
  4. Anne Hathaway (The Devil Wears Prada)
  5. Dana Delany (Desperate Housewives)
  6. Diane Lane (Under the Tuscan Sun)
  7. Amy Adams (Enchanted)
  8. Alicia Keys (Empire State of Mind)
  9. Isla Fisher (Confessions of a Shopaholic)
  10. Robin Meade (Headline News)
  11. Natalie Portman (V for Vendetta)
  12. Carla Gugino (Sin City)
  13. Connie Britton (Friday Night Lights)
  14. Virginia Madsen (Sideways)
  15. Elizabeth Mitchell (V)
  16. Halle Berry (Monster's Ball)
  17. Jeanne Tripplehorn (Big Love)
  18. Cate Blanchett (Robin Hood)
  19. Eva Green (Casino Royale)
  20. Gabrielle Union (FlashForward)
  21. Emily Procter (CSI: Miami)
  22. Kate Beckinsale (Pearl Harbor)
  23. Helen Mirren (The Queen)
  24. Marisa Tomei (The Wrestler)
  25. Catherine Keener (Into the Wild)
  26. Maya Rudolph (SNL)
  27. Salma Hayek (Frida)
  28. Ginnifer Goodwin (Big Love)
  29. Marie-Josée Croze (Munich)
  30. Uma Thurman (Kill Bill, Vol. Whatever)
  31. Chelsea Handler (E!)
  32. Marion Cotillard (La Vie en Rose)
  33. Radha Mitchell (Melinda and Melinda)
  34. Amber Tamblyn (Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants)
  35. Chyler Leigh (Grey's Anatomy. Not that I watch it.)
  36. Lindsey Vonn (Olympian)
  37. Eliza Dushku (Dollhouse)
  38. Maureen McCormick (The Brady Bunch)
  39. Zuleikha Robinson (Lost)
  40. Marisa Miller (Sports Illustrated model)
  41. Jessica Biel (The A-Team)
  42. Liz Phair (Polyester Bride)
  43. Kristin Chenoweth (Glee)
  44. Zooey Deschanel (The Happening)
  45. Reese Witherspoon (Walk The Line)
  46. Emmanuelle Chriqui (Entourage)
  47. Katy Perry (Waking Up in Vegas)
  48. Susan Sarandon (The Lovely Bones)
  49. Kristen Wiig (SNL)
  50. Rachel McAdams (Sherlock Holmes)

Suck on that, Maxim.

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