Photo from Splash NewsThis week in gossip taught me a thing or two about Jessica Simpson and her habits . . . or lack thereof. Based on this exhaustive tabloid reading, here are the five things that I can conclude about Jessica Simpson's love life.
- I would go anywhere to find love! Can someone give me directions?
- My ultimate first date includes a leisurely dinner, some booty popping, followed by a nightcap of Nicorette at my place. I've got a stash.
- I won't be turned off by your morning breath.
- True beauty is on the inside, but it helps if you look like Tony/Nick/Billy/John. Just sayin'.
- Please don't kiss and tell. But if you do . . . I hope you realize you have to follow "sexual napalm." That's like, big.