Flickr photo by GastevThis week's probing question:
I feel like my husband of 12 years takes me for granted. What are some little things I can do to get him to notice me?
-- Mrs. Invisible
Great question, Mrs. I. As a man and a husband, I can tell you that we all need a good bitch slap sometimes to be reminded that, hey, you have a hot wife right in front of you, and, like Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction, she will not be ignored, Dan. Even if your name isn't Dan.
My own bride has had to get all up in my face from time to time when I forget little things like, you know, the fact that I'm married and stuff. So, it happens, and not just to you, so take comfort in that.
The first thing to do, obviously, is to tell him how you feel. Men can be dense and distracted, and a simple reminder will often do the trick, particularly if that reminder is somehow tied to any decrease or outright withdrawal of sexual activity. But you shouldn't have to resort to that, so just talk to him. If that doesn't work, try some of these little ways to get him to notice you:
- Stop bathing.
- Stop shaving.
- Stop flushing.
- Start dressing like Lady Gaga.
- Start hosting strip poker nights in your home with some of the neighborhood guys.
- Let him awaken to the feeling of his testicles in the grip of pliers and a smile on your face.
- Disappear for a week or two. When you return, say, "Sorry, traffic was terrible. What's for dinner?"
- Get a pet for companionship, something that makes a statement. Hippos are nice. So are condors. Both require a bit of training, though.
- Buy an air horn and blast it at him randomly throughout the day.
- At the computer, topless, wave him off with, "Do you mind? I'm on Chatroulette."
- Sell the kids. When he asks where they are, say, "We have kids?"
- Shave your head.
- Buy an ax and sharpen it every night. If he asks why, say, "Because you just never know."
- Get a tattoo between your legs that reads, "Out of order."
If none of these works, then I don't know what to tell you. Maybe he was replaced by an alien impostor. It does happen, you know.
Have a question for dad? Leave it in a comment below or email us here -- be sure to choose Love & Sex as your topic.