11 Mother's Day Gifts That Will Kill Your Sex Life (We're Talking to You, Dad)


#1 mom keychain
#1 Mom keychain; Zazzle
Dear husbands, dads, and significant others,

This is just a friendly little reminder: Mother's Day is coming up, and a nice, thoughtful gift would be greatly appreciated by the moms in your life. The key words here: Nice. Thoughtful. So unless your overworked, underpaid, sleep-deprived personal chef, cleaning woman, nanny, laundress, travel agent, personal assistant wife specifically requests one of the gifts on the list below, do not give it to her for Mother's Day. Repeat: Do not give it to her for Mother's Day. Unless, of course, you never want to have sex again. Ever.


Moms everywhere

1. Exercise equipment or a gym membership. If you actually think this is a good idea, try this little test first. The next time your wife asks you if a certain article of clothing makes her look fat, say, "Yes."

2. A puppy. Let's see, she'll have to walk it in the pouring rain at 2 a.m., feed it, potty-train it, and listen to it whine in the middle of the night. It's just like giving her another kid.

3. A trip to Disneyland ... with the kids, without you. For that matter, a fun day anywhere alone with the kids. Most moms get that every day -- and we love it, we do, but on Mother's Day? Not so much.

4. #1 Mom emblazoned anything -- T-shirts, mugs, pencils, aprons, and the like. Tacky, tacky, tacky. She still has the one you gave her last year stashed in the "Yard Sale" pile in the garage.

5. A lawn mower, weed wacker (or anything else you secretly desire). She doesn't want it -- no matter how shiny it is or how much noise it makes. Put it on your Father's Day wish list and step away from the chainsaw.

6. Plastic surgery -- a tummy tuck, a boob job, Botox for those "awful wrinkles," and the biggest no-no of all: Something that will make her va-jay-jay a little tighter. Don't even go there.

7. A lovely Mother's Day brunch for two -- your wife and your mother. This isn't the best day to test your "if only they'd spend some quality alone-time with each other, they'd really get along" theory. Chances are, your wife is getting all the quality time with your mom that she wants.

8. Clothes that don't fit. And by "don't fit," we mean anything that's too small. If you're going to buy clothes, buy big. She'll be perfectly happy to exchange something for a smaller size.

9. A vacuum cleaner or any other "helpful" household appliance. It's a cliche, but some of you still don't get it. It's like your boss giving you work to take home on a weekend. If you think the house needs cleaning, clean it (now that's a nice gift).

10. A porn movie. She doesn't want to see it, and no, it wouldn't be better if you threw in some lingerie. If you get her anything else on this list, though, you'll need the porn -- for yourself.

11. A scale. Have you learned nothing yet? Please see #1.

Remember, sex or no sex. The choice is yours. We know you'll do the right thing.

Moms, do you have anything to add to the list?


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jeann... jeannesager

My husband has been forbidden from ever buying me an item of clothing again -- save for a Yankees t-shirt or something I have specifically chosen in a catalog/online wishlist with sizing selected.

Cafe... Cafe Suzanne

A Yankees T-shirt?! Forget no sex, that would mean divorce in my house. I should have put that on the list! :)

jeann... jeannesager

I knew you'd love that one. Did I mention he gets extra points on Mother's Day for anything done to offend a resident of Beantown? :)

nonmember avatar A Well-Versed M

I received #5 a few years back. We are no longer married. Just sayin'.

lovin... lovinangels

i would be happy if dh showed up with anything that didn't involve a "quick run out" The day OF. Dude, a quick run is three hours on any holiday. Or, the very generous, well, what would YOU like to do today. Congrats, you didn't plan anything. AGAIN. You have no idea what's going on, you didn't even pick up flowers, and now i'm supposed to save your butt. Really. Great. Or the even better, we'll get her a giant dessert! A beautiful chocolate raspberry torte! Who cares that she doesn't eat raspberries, and that they make her want to throw up! Or then there were the one actual attempt at some thing, earrings. Four inches long, five ounces each. Did I mention I have small children and don't wear much jewelry.

my husband is the LEAST thoughtful gift giver EVER. EVER. EVER. and yes, I'm hoping he reads this and actually puts some effort in this year. But I won't hold my breath.

leola... leolady78

Hah this is Funny Because i asked for #5 I soo want my pretty yard back ...sooo sick of it being unusable due to bee's and long grass..we have a very limited income and to beable to mow and weed eat regularly would be a dream gift for me!

truth... truthrowan

Hah, considering my husband has (consecutively) missed mothers day, my birthday, Our first date Anniversary (we celebrated it since we first got together), Christmas, Valentines, Mothers day, My birthday, our FD Anniversary, Christmas, our WEDDING anniversary, Valentines, I'd be happy to get any gift. Oh, maybe Christmas doesn't count, since he got me something HE wanted, instead of what I asked for, and I had to return it, then spent the money on bills because he decided he HAD to have a new router for the computer. He's just lucky I'm used to being forgotten and haven't left him yet.

Scrap... Scrapmom65

My worst ever Mother's Day gift? Well, it's got to be the dinner my Mother in law made for me one year that almost put me in the hospital with food poisoning! She is one of the worst cooks I had ever known! Gee, thanks Mom!

AMom29 AMom29

8. Clothes that don't fit. And by "don't fit," we mean anything that's too small. If you're going to buy clothes, buy big. She'll be perfectly happy to exchange something for a smaller size.

This tip seems counterintuitive to the others on your list.  If you buy an outfit too BIG, she'll think you think she IS that big (i.e. "fat") and be depressed because he thinks you are a large when in reality you are an small.

Better off to buy too small -- she's a XXL and you think she's a L.  She thinks you see her smaller than she is, still happy to exchange and get the right size on the sly.

AMom29 AMom29

My husband will get me a card.  A CARD.  If I'm lucky.

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