That's right -- the opposite of Spanx, these fake butt cheeks are attached to the inside of undergarments so you can get the Beyonce effect without all the tasty food. Apparently Kelly Ripa's a fan.
It reminded me of seventh grade, when I was thin as a beanpole and awkward as … a seventh-grader. I was summoned to a table in the middle of the lunchroom populated by the most popular African-American girls, who seemed to rule the rest of the room with their exclusive, raucous bubble of fun. What did they want with me?
"C'mere," the leader said, crooking a finger.
"Me?" I asked, Molly Ringwald-style, and approached.
She gave me an appraising gaze, put her hand on my arm, turned me around so I was facing away from her, and asked, "Aw, Amy ... where's your ass at?" The table exploded in laughter, and me and my flat butt plodded away in shame. So much for painter pants; for the rest of the year, I wouldn't wear any jeans that weren't fresh out of the dryer, requiring me to lie on my back on the floor with a wire hanger hooked through the zipper to get them on. (Listen, children, the late '70s were a different time.) The whole thing seems like a joke now, given the considerable size of my Kardashian-emulating posterior.
On the other hand, it gives me brain-freeze to imagine that while most of the country is struggling with an obesity epidemic, Hollywood is filled with women starving themselves thin, then slipping into foam-filled shorts because they still feel inadequate.
It made me wonder: Are these mixed messages driving everyone crazy? I've seen women on CafeMom message boards filled with joy because their husbands said, "I love your juicy butt." If you ask guys, most of them say they prefer curves to angles. Yet TV and movies are still full of "pancake butts." And there's the most obvious problem, same as when you stuff your bra: Let's say you wear butt-panties in public, attract a Sir Mix-a-Lot of your own, and get him home. At some point the pants come off ... and then what?
Would you feel sexier with a bigger butt? What do you think of Booty Pop panties?
And as a bonus, please do enjoy this alternate version of Baby Got Back by Jonathan Coulton: