Flickr photo by ZawezomeOne of my favorite things about our love and sex column, He Said, She Said, is you never know what you're going to get, as illustrated by today's candidates, The Faster Times bloggers Oliver Miller and Meghan Pleticha.
Discussing the merits (and demerits) of bad sex, these two turn the issue on its head, and backward. Which is what one might expect from the authors of The Ten Worst Batman Quotes to Yell During Sex and You Don't Have to Choose Between Your Cat and a Relationship.
So Oliver and Meghan, is bad sex better than no sex?
As the guy answering this question, I feel like I'm supposed to say something like: "BAD SEX? HOW BAD CAN SEX EVER BE? AMIRITE, WHOOO, HIGH-FIVE!" But instead, I'm going to expose myself as an incredibly sensitive and awesome person by saying that I'd much rather have no sex than have bad sex with a girl.
First of all, there's always masturbation. You've always got that "in your pocket," so to speak. Masturbation is really "the nuclear option," if you will. So if you're about to have potentially bad sex, ask yourself this: "Wouldn't I be happier just going home, jerking off, and then watching TV?" The answer to this question, I find, is almost always "yes."
I find depressing sex to be the worst kind of sex. That's sex with a girl you'd just rather not be having sex with. There are so many reasons not to want to have sex with someone. Maybe the person has an annoying personality. Maybe she's your girlfriend that you really want to break up with. Maybe she's member of the Tea Party movement. In any of these cases, depressing sex will probably be the result.
And really, the worst type of depressing sex is boring sex. That's the kind of sex where you're screwing someone, but your mind starts to wander because you don't really want to be doing it in the first place. You're thrusting from on top or behind or whatever, but meanwhile you're thinking to yourself: Did I remember to pay my cable bill? That smudge on my bedroom wall ... was it always there?
We should strive to avoid boredom in sex as we should strive to avoid it in life. And so, my answer, condensed, is this -- Bad sex: No! Masturbation: Yes!
Bad sex is better than no sex. In fact, bad sex is like, a billion times better than no sex.
To be clear, I specifically mean bad sex -- this is different from “okay” sex where you’re kind of bored and maybe a little repulsed. Bad sex is when you find a moment’s pause amidst all the thrusting and have to ask yourself, What the hell is going on? Bad sex is when midway through, you realize there’s gum in your hair. Bad sex is brilliant. Bad sex, as bad as it is, makes for a hilarious story in the morning. This is better than no sex, after which you have no story and also, you did not get laid.
In contrast, okay sex is time better spent watching Veronica Mars DVDs or cleaning your toilet. Okay sex is when nothing ... really ... happens and then you go to sleep.
I’m not sure it should even count as getting laid. It’s not bad, per se. I mean, it’s fine. At best, you sleep a little more peacefully because you’re a little more tired. At worst, there’s some mild chaffing involved. If you’re having okay sex, you might as well give up now -- unless you can push yourself to make that okay sex bad. Like really, really bad.
Pretend to fall asleep. Yell out his mother’s name. Reach over to your nightstand and check your BlackBerry. If you make the sex bad enough, it will be amazing. Plus, you’ll be having fun -- which is kind of the point of sex in general, besides that whole baby-making thing.
Check out more of Meghan and Oliver at The Faster Times.