No Trees, No Sex?

8

What do you do if you're an English community that wants to stop horny people from shagging in a popular stretch of woods? You cut down all the trees, of course.


Flickr photo by Snorri Gunnarsson
At least that's what the town of Darwen in County Lancashire did. Six thousand trees, nearly 30 acres of forest, gone. Along with the baby. You know, the one who just had a bath.

This story fills my curious mind with questions that I probably wouldn't have if the subject weren't sex:

  •  Who the hell gets busy in the woods? Are there no cars with back seats in this town? No motels? No parents' basements or dressing rooms or golf courses? Okay, sure, some of us have done the deed in the woods. I did it once. Once. Never again. Trust me, the timberland shag is a dicey endeavor: itchy and uncomfortable and not nearly as fun as it sounds. I have this rule about sex: if it ends with me pulling pine needles and moss out of my crack, I'm not interested.
  • What's to keep these tree-snoggers from just finding another patch of forest? Check out the photo in the story. I'm sure they won't just walk 100 yards across the road and do it over there. No, that would be too easy.
  • A police sergeant called all this backwoods boinking "an ongoing problem and very worrying for members of the public." Oh yeah? Wait till they see all these nature-lovers bumping uglies out in the open where the trees used to be.
  • Hey, Darwen, we have this new thing now. It's called the green movement. Perhaps you have heard of it. If not, look it up, and, in the future, read more and raze less.
  • Am I the only one a little put-off to hear all these public officials refer to sex as dogging? Obviously it's slang for sex, but authorities usually eschew such words. By calling it dogging, does one suggest that they know which sexual position these woodland nymphos prefer?
  • Have the Druids gotten wind of this yet? They won't be happy, I assure you, and there are few things more intimidating than a pissed-off Celt.

I'll give Darwen this: on the list of boneheaded attempts to solve a public nuisance, they rank near the top. They've also created a new internet meme to replace the old one about kittens and masturbation:

Every time you screw in the woods, Darwen chops down a tree.

What do you think of this deforestation to prevent a little nooky?

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MomIWant MomIWant

I would bet anything my nosy neighbor is from that town! Instead of cutting down the woods, maybe they could have opened a community center offering craft day, giving the worried public something constructive to do.

cbiltz cbiltz

Wow! What a ridiculous and very anti-earth way to "solve" a non-existent problem. Seriously? This is what people there are worrying about?--that couples are sneaking off into the woods for sex? What are they worried about--that some people might get poison ivy or perhaps mosquito bites? Aren't there any more pressing problems that need to be solved there? Ay-yi-yi!

ethan... ethans_momma06

Convinient that this part didn't get quoted-
'United Utilities cleared the huge expanse of forest alongside the busy A666 claiming some of the trees, planted after the Second World War, were in danger of falling down'

Sure has a lot less shock value when you find out that deterring sex as just an added bonus and not the actual removal of the acres of trees.

lovin... lovinangels

lol, woods sex is best done standing up, I'm just sayin>>>

CaryMc CaryMc

ethans_momma06: That's a PR line meant to deflect criticism. Trees fall every day; when did it become necessary to cut them down before they do? The only "danger" was that they might fall into the roadway, but there's no way that 6,000 trees across 30 acres posed that threat.

ethan... ethans_momma06

Carey- Right, because obviously removing 6,000 trees makes a whole lot more sense when it's about the sex. It's funny to think that someone would go to such an effort to deter outdoor sex, and I comend you for that- but that obviously was not what the article said.

There are several reasons for deforestation due to safety concerns. It's not THAT uncommon. Whether it's actually a valid excuse is one thing, but there was a survey done specifically for safety reasons and the kicker is- they are going to plant MORE tree's...

nmmama09 nmmama09

United Utilities cleared the huge expanse of forest alongside the busy A666 claiming some of the trees, planted after the Second World War, were in danger of falling down.
But police and councillors have said that the cull was also ordered to discourage strangers from meeting for sexual intercourse at the known 'dogging' hotspot.

That last paragraph makes it look like the "dogging" was the reason for clearing the trees...




CaryMc CaryMc

Whatever the reason, it was a bad move.

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