Welcome back to Ask Dad -- because Ask Granddad would be kind of creepy.
This week's probing question:
Flickr: Photo by Rachel Kramer BusselI love my kids, but they've ruined my sex life. My husband and I used to do it all the time, but now I'm lucky if it's once a month. Will our sex ever go back to the way it was before kids?
I'll say this: I sure hope so.
Been there, done that, got the vasocongestion* to show for it. Wait -- why am I speaking in past tense?
Welcome to yet another of the joys of having children. Sex once a month? Really? I'm so jealous of you right now.
Much has already been written about how parents make time for sex, so I won't retread familiar ground with a list of tips (hopefully you discovered the joys of masturbation long ago). Instead I'll just assure you that guys miss regular sex as much as women, and probably bitch about it even more.
Guys like my friend Willie, who told me his 3-year-old son had been having a lot of nightmares. I suggested he let the kid sleep with him and his wife for a few nights to get over it.
"F**k that s**t!" he waxed poetic. "The kid's enough of a cock-blocker already."
Sex is just one of many things you can no longer do the way you once did. I used to be able to sleep until 9 a.m. on a Saturday morning. I used to be able to take a shower or use the bathroom without locking the door. I used to be able to write an article without being interrupted six times by my child, which has happened since I started this piece almost an hour ago, and you see how far I've gotten.
Ah, kids. They ruin everything, don't they? What the hell were we thinking? I am kidding, of course. They don't ruin everything -- maybe 87 percent of things.
Anyway, to answer the question, I don't know if a couple's sex life ever returns to what is was before kids. When they're infants, you're too tired to get it on; when they're toddlers, you're too tired and you're worried about them walking in on you, like mine once did. We didn't even know she was there until her urgent, plaintive cry of "Mommy!" rang out from the foot of our bed. Talk about a mad scramble. We couldn't have moved faster if we were on fire.
Once your offspring are old enough to know what sex is -- the tween and teen years -- then you get to worry about them hearing you do it. Oh boy -- quick and quiet. That's gonna be fun.
I suppose things could go back to normal when the last kid finally leaves the nest, but by then you'll be so out of practice that you'll have to learn all over again how to do it right.
Which doesn't sound so bad when you think about it.
* Blue balls.
So tell me I am not alone -- your sex life changed a lot too since having kids ... right?